Friday, June 6, 2008

a different energy...

this post has been kicking around inside of me for awhile. this post and many others actually. i will just pace myself and put it down in due time.

recent events have prompted me to pour this one out. as i seek to come to a place of healing and understanding, i realize that all i want in the end is love, peace, to be a blessing to others, protection, and the freedom to be...

...a woman.

i don't want to be a man. i don't want to carry the weight of men, women, and children on my shoulders by myself. i don't want to be disrespected at home and outside of my home. disrespect does not feel "better" when it is coming from a black person; nor is it their right as a black person to heap it on me. i have noticed that an alarming number of black men feel that they can do certain things to black women that "others" have no right to do. in fact, i have even been told this outright long before the basketball playing/coaching Thomas clown spewed this nonsense for the whole world to hear.

i have oftentimes conversed with brothers that date out and heard how much "easier" it is to "deal" with white, asian, hispanic, persian, armenian, and other women. of course, there never is consideration given as to why this might be the case. these brothers usually make these women out to be superior and us sisters inferior, deficient, lacking, and unworthy of love.

i have an acquaintance that engages in this practice regularly. his woman is from the philipines. i must confess poking holes in his arguments have been...a sport. i am retiring from the game though. no one wins. especially not me. our conversations make me sad to my soul because i know he is not alone in his sentiments about black women.

when i point out that he is going through the same thing he did when he dated sisters, that he seems to have lowered his standards (which he admits because "black women are queens" and therefore the standard must be higher for us not for the women he is bypassing us to get to???), and why is it ok for her to have so many children? there is always silence and then we don't speak for awhile.

it is true though. somehow the same thing just feels better it seems when it is coming from someone that doesn't look like him? i guess. honestly, i can't devote too much energy to trying to figure it out anymore, it doesn't serve me in the long run so why bother? nor will i be used to provide too much sister comfort i have decided.

of course, i do see that this approach is used to justify choices. in truth, i find it hurtful on some level and wish there was a way i could plug the ears of every sister so she wouldn't hear it and feel as if there was something wrong with her. after all black women are consistently bombarded with messages of our need to change something about who we naturally are.

@ the end of the day, i want to live well and i want my mothers, sisters, and daughters to do the same. period.

most recently i came to the conclusion that black men don't belong to black women. this truth in and of itself was virtually impossible for me to accept for some time. in fact, i firmly believed that it was deliberate that men and women of all colors were created; if God wanted everyone to be beige, he could have just created that! i was in fact, indignant in my belief. lol!

i no longer believe that it matters what color love comes in for black women and girls. in the face of the open hatred, disregard, disrespect, record violence and contempt quite a few black men hold for black women---especially for those of us that you cannot see white or other in our hair and features---holding onto that belief will only bring us loneliness and grief. in fact, as i follow the stories that don't make the news, holding onto the notion that love has to be in black skin will get you...killed.

this folly definitely won't work, it seems, in my quest to secure a happy, healthy, whole life; in addition to helping other black women and girls find the same. so i am done with it. i urge my sisters to be done as well. quickly.

black women do not belong to black men. as options are exercised by black men to do what they feel is in their best interests---black women must do the same. we must do this in love, politics, economics, etc. we have these same options available to us; oftentimes, moreso, as quiet as it is kept. we simply must begin to explore them without asking permission or allowing others to stop us with fear tactics. it seems to me that as we function as mothers and fathers in our "community", that we run the risk of being sexed and disrespected from everywhere and by everyone. loving, accepting, and respecting ourselves will shield us. we can protect ourselves by practicing these qualities as we give ourselves the freedom to be...women...loved...provided for...and protected. we must give love and show support for only those that love and support us.

it seems only black women are expected to change ourselves into perfect beings before we can have these things. all other women on the planet are allowed to be flawed human beings and still have love, protection, and provision. i reject this notion that i am not worthy of the same for my journey and i urge my other sisters to do the same, immediately, for their sakes. do not be surprised when you must resist other women that will have you believe that this is how it was meant to be for black women.

in reading i came across an interesting essay by Aimee @ Black Girls Rule! called Reinterpreting Wesley Snipes . this sister takes the post that has been kicking around in me for awhile now and puts it down very well. she has done the work of expressing what i am sure many of my sisters are beginning to feel, strongly, so i will give her props and say well said! my sentiments exactly!

check it out. what do you think? share your thoughts if you feel compelled they are always welcome.



Felicity said...

I have always felt this way for a long time. Whenever a black man was married to a white wife, my father would always question, why didn't he get a black wife. I realise that black women must always be second best. Every other woman can be romanced, cherished, married, but we must expect nothing, when a black man marries us, we should be grateful, not all black men behave like this, some are wonderful men, but we have a majority in our community, who feel so. Black women are the backbone of our community, we are the tithers in our church. That is why some of our black churches fail us, because they know the reality of relationships, but yet they would want us to 'wait for the ideal black man', who is already married to someone who is not black. There are so many lonely black women waiting for permission to leave their lives. God helps those who help themselves, once we are honest, he will provide, he is our Jehovah Jireh. Many of these black churches are happy for us to get old, satisfy ourselves with vibrators and didoes, as long as we don't marry a man from another race, because it raises many implications, we are no longer available, look at the hostiliy when black women marry out. You get blogs and youtubes cursing us, black men belonging to organisation cursing us in the streets. God has given us abundance of everything, including men, so why limit yourself and if anyone objects to us getting married to non-black men, quite frankly they are working for the devil.

Anonymiss said...

I've felt this way for eons and the only ppl that have tried to guilt me are members of my family. Luckily, my mom and sis let it go that my man is Latino and they've accepted him and appreciate my happiness. Other family members --- who cares what they think? :-)

I still don't understand the animosity that's levelled at women like Evia. Is it because they're free-thinking women that know what's best for them? You go on other blogs and see harsh comments like "sellout" and "traitor" thrown at women like her and Halle Berry. God forbid that these know-nothings consider that these women are happy and are in fulfilling relationships. What does this have to do with Black men? It's absolutely selfish and sexist to not want women to have the same choices as you. Every woman has a right to be happy and shouldn't have to compromise her mental health and happiness to appease those who disapprove of how she leads her life. People who love you and want you to be happy will understand your decisions and accept them.

And I'm tired of seeing sistas being the main proponents of Black love and unity. There's no balance in it. There's no balance in being both the foot soldier and sacrificial lamb. Demand better and believe that you deserve better.

Last thing: What is with this demand for patriarchy amongst some Black men? That is not how we are supposed to operate as per our pre-colonial and -slavery African origins. That is the White man's game; quit coveting a lifestyle that wasn't tailored for you.

What's worse is the demands of we sistas to follow "tradition" and practice "fundamentals" while they don't hold up their end of the bargain. What part of the game is that?

TLW said...

Well this post was distressing to say the least. I have come to really like your writings but it appears that we may be on two different paths now. May you have the love and happiness that you seek.

tasha212 said...

I am quite surprised to read this post, focusedpurpose. I don't know if I've made it there yet, at least not for my own life. I can't envision myself dating or marrying a white man. I don't ever see that changing. I have however amended my feelings about other sisters who decide to date non-black men. I no longer condemn them. I have decided that I want black women to be happy. If they find a white, hispanic, asian, or arabian man who loves them and treats them with respect, then more power to them. So, now you're saying that you're willing to date white men?

I must confess that over these last several months I have had to question many of the beliefs that I have held onto since childhood. I was a young revolutionary, quite certain in my beliefs, but life has a way of knocking you in the head and makinging you reevaluate what you claim to believe. Not to say that I am no longer a revolutionary; I just have had to reevaluate my beliefs mainly with regard to the brothas. It is very disconcerting to realize that we are really in this world alone. Black men for the most part have become our predators- a role that in the past was held by white men and women. Most of the brothas are silent and inactive in the face of violence against their women. When are they gonna get some ballz? (I know that there are exceptions to this like Blkseagoat who is great and a few others.)

I still want to hold onto the dream of the black family. As a little girl, the man I envisioned marrying was tall and black. He was smart, god-fearing and loving. I realize that as I am still young, I may not have had the experiences that would cause me to give up on this dream. I've never been married and truthfully, have only had one serious relationship seeing as I have a propensity for dropping them like hotcakes. I have a lot of living left to do.

I want you to know that I support you in your journey towards enlightening. We don't always have to agree on everything 'cause you are a true sista. Though I don't know you personally, you come off as very honest, forthright, and deep. And that is more than can be said for most people.

Peace, blessings, and solidarity,


TLW said...

Okay after thinking some more about this I have to ask these questions. What do you see as the future of the Black community? Can it be saved? Do you want it saved? Can the relationship between Black women and men be repaired? Are you adverse to any attempts to trying?

Please don't take this at me trying to attack you for expressing your new views in life I just really want to know!!!

focusedpurpose said...

welcome Felicity-

thank you for sharing your thoughts. i must concede that i agree.

we black women must check our priorities and realize that heaven and hell exists right here on earth. we must not be afraid to be called selfish. self preservation is the first law of nature. God knows men, all men, could not care less about being perceived as selfish; other women as well, ever notice all but black women acknowledge that all is fair in love and war?

as long as black women function as pack mules, everyone will continue to load us down and beat us down, both physically and verbally for not carrying all the weight, well. the time is now to say enough! our daughters are headed for congo style rape camps if we don't stand up and do what we must in order to protect and provide for ourselves. men are our God given providers and protectors. it is a trick of the devil to say/believe that we don't need them.

i am simply broadening my focus to include men, not just black men. my brothers have been doing this for as long as they have been able. i will no longer feel resentment when i encounter hispanic, white, jewish, asian and other women that were raised and loved by black men. the notion that we and our babies must be manless/fatherless as we wait for black men to wander home---i am done with that crock personally. i have one biological son. i won't be having anymore in the absence of a committed husband and i urge other black women to do the same.

the black man's thirst for all women non-black seems to intensify with each passing day so why sacrifice my life for black people when the men seem most disinterested in the task at hand, even those married to black women? these good men are only committed to living their lives and providing for their immediate families. there isn’t concern with endowing the ancestral account so withdrawals will be available for our descendents tomorrow. if black men are content to see their seed and future promise holding the bottom position in society, raised as bastards or mixed to the point where they are no longer black, who am i to argue? when black men get ready to stand on the front lines and stop pushing their women and children out front to sustain the greatest damage, i will clock in and go to work. in the absence of this partnership, it is an exercise in futility. there is no balance, insufficient compromise and cooperation therefore victory cannot be secured.
unlike our ancestors like Yaa Asantewa who i greatly admire, when she went to battle, she did not have to fight black men as well. with enemies on all sides, the black ones attacking you the most fiercely, retreat for black women is the only wise course of action as far as i see. for those brothers that don't like it, see it for what it is---a mandate to stand and be counted. shutting down the knuckleheads, whipping them into shape, doing whatever it takes to protect/provide for black women and children is the order of the day. there is such a thing as noble violence as far as i am concerned. cowards garner no respect from anyone.

effective immediately i will never spend another moment chastising brothers that simply love "women" and give no special love to black women. i will simply join them and in doing so, loving and supporting “men” that love and support me and mine; thereby, increasing my options and the likelihood of living a comfortable, loving, protected life---all comforts presently enjoyed in vastly greater numbers than black women by other "women".

when black men care about and demand respect for black women and are as publicly verbal as they are about all the things that they hate about us, i will reconsider my position. my re-consideration won't be on the table until that time.

you see, i, too, would like to have "stress free love" as a friend in an interracial relationship told me recently. it occured to me, i have been doing this whole thing the hard way. when i asked him where would we be if our ancestors had decided they, too, wanted to be stress free? he had no answer. so, if black men aren't pondering these questions...

i am a woman. yes, i am strong. yes, i am opinionated. yes, i am blessed black. i am a good woman. i am NOT interested in struggling to function like a man as well. i deal with racism and sexism every day. my image is being erased from the social conscience unless it is denigrated, dehumanized, degraded, lighter complexioned or bi/multi-racial. i will not allow others to mandate that i shoulder more than all that comes with being a black woman in such an openly hostile environment. it doesn't matter who thinks i should. in fact, i will not hear it from any black man or woman, considering most are content to quietly watch as black men stop being men. in the days when lynching of black men and women was the national past time black men were more man than they are now. there is no excuse. those men that do speak up to black men, do so timidly, as if they are dealing with fragile women. i have heard it described as them being afraid of the male "shutting down". i have finally sickened to the point of game over with black men being given greater care and consideration than black women and children. especially black little GIRLS! enough! i will not co-sign crazy any more.

black men love and defend black men and boys. black women love and defend black men and boys. whose loving and defending black women and girls?

thanks again for stopping in and sharing Felicity. you are welcome any time.


focusedpurpose said...

welcome Anonymiss-

you said:

"I still don't understand the animosity that's levelled at women like Evia."

i do understand the animosity. i am not painting most black men as dbr while singing to the high heavens about how great white men are; when white men and white women are the direct cause of the mangled/damaged condition of black americans and blacks world-wide. so i do understand the resentment and hostility. there also seems to be hatred directed at black women that do not fit into the eurocentric standard of beauty. fat americans are a problem in general. hence the bigger cars, super-sized meals, and the obsession with dieting in our culture. to act as if only black women should be scorned is not something that i can endorse. black women are not rejected by black men because they are fat. white women joke that when they are too fat for white men they date black men. so fat is not the problem. black women are rejected by black men because they are black with nappy hair and african features.

i will never support anyone that seeks to heap more hurt and abuse on the heads of black women. there are other points made by Evia with which i wholeheartedly agree. one black woman to another, i respect her strength to speak her piece and let the chips fall where they may. we don't have to agree with each other on all things. we must respect each other and stand in solidarity.

i do agree that black women must immediately cease and desist with the notion that we are more special to black men than other women by virtue of our melanin. we are not. there is no special love nor loyalty...obviously...except largely on our part.

as for Halle Berry, she is biracial. she is not black. her white mother told her, according to Ms Berry's own accounts, to identify with those that would accept her. black folks lack standards and self respect and find acceptable what other self respecting nations do not. we let others tell us how we should believe and what should be acceptable to us even when it defies common sense. the one drop rule is racist and invalid. it is grossly disrespectful. most bi-racials it seems mate and procreate white. she is not an exception. i have long taken issue with the notion that she is the most beautiful black woman---black women do not have white mothers. i am happy for her that she seems to have found the love, peace, happiness, and joy she was seeking with a man. from one woman to another i pray she continues to be blessed abundantly.

good for you, Anonymiss, for not allowing others to dictate where your happiness should lie. i have not been as wise. going forward, i intend to be wiser.

i agree, it is selfishness and sexism that informs the notion that black women should do without the love, protection, and provision of a man if he is not black. especially, as we are labelled inferior, insecure, jealous, and hateful without shame when we express our disagreement with the double standard that works to our detriment.

marrying a black woman will not prevent a black man from having a hispanic, asian, white or other woman and a whole other family on the side. ask me how i know? so, it is best to evaluate men as men and select only those best suited and pre-qualified to provide, protect, and commit to a healthy whole relationship. make no mistake, men in general have problems with these qualities. if black women limit ourselves to only looking to black men to fulfill them...we are doomed. we all have options and i am simply suggesting that we all explore them. options is not a black man's right alone to exercise.

thanks for sharing your thoughts. i have long enjoyed your blog and your wittiness:-) know that you are welcome in my house any time sis.


focusedpurpose said...

p.s. calling bi-racials what they are from the beginning will save black folks from seeming desperate, pitiful, and without dignity when the flipping and flopping around starts. bi-racials have options. they exercise them at will and in their best interest as far as i can see throughout history.

had black folks called a certain presidential candidate what he was from the beginning; no one would be offended when the "bi/multi-racial" title got thrown in the mix. with tiger woods, mariah carey, and countless others as well.

call it like it is folks...there's a thought.

random side note. thanks for listening:-) lol!


focusedpurpose said...


my brother, you as a black man and i as a black woman have always been "on two different paths". the shared paths of our ancestors are seldom honored by black men it seems. ever notice black men speak and act as if lynching was the unfortunate fate of men only? ever notice that black men don't acknowledge that the same racism, violence, injustice they face was/is shouldered as well by black women? ever notice black men only focus on issues pertaining to black men and use black women to also focus on black men? of course not all black men, however, the vast majority. surf the blogosphere---what do you see for the most part? look around you, what do you see?

sexism, whether black men want to acknowledge it or not, puts us on two different paths.

i have said before and will say it again, black men refuse to acknowledge sexism and their sexist practices for the same reasons that white men and white women refuse to acknowledge their racist practices...they don't want to stop indulging in it.

as alarmed/distressed as you are to read my thoughts---it has been devastating, soul piercing, core shaking, knocked off my feet, down on my knees, all that i held sacred ripped from me---to admit what is the truth. black men do not belong to black women. as such, black women can not belong to black men. self preservation, abundant life, freedom, and the pursuit of happiness prohibits such a notion.

in fact i have, in the past, opened dialogue with black men, those that i knew and those that i did not; suggesting that God created black men for black women and that black men should hold black women above all others and vice versa---to be told, repeatedly, that i was jealous, insecure, out of my mind, etc.

i am now officially done with that notion.

i know that i was not alone in this belief.

what good does it do if by in large, black women only hold this belief? we already outnumber black men as it is. if we believe this way and black men do not what good is it to us? who continues to give where there is no return? should black women not expect reciprocity and to be treated as women?

black men, collectively, could not care less about the black women/children collective. look around and tell me i am not onto something. especially if caring means black men would need to have courage, sacrifice, compromise, do more than they feel is their share, put anyone before them, stop being selfish for a minute, listen to and respect the voices of black women, extend greater patience, love or understanding to black women considering our unique to us history. black men are not focused on this, they are focused on personal self preservation, personal abundant life, personal freedom, and the pursuit of their personal happiness; oftentimes at the expense of black women and children.

i do see and acknowledge those brothers that are doing for more than just themselves. i also see they are the exception and not the norm. those that are enjoying any degree of success are knocking themselves out to be in close proximity to white folks and turn out off-spring that boast (???) constantly of their “all white” surroundings? if not white, oh God just make it non-black it seems.

black women are constantly reminded to consider the history of the black man and grade on a curve; we do not get this in return. in fact, we get the exact opposite. black women are contributing greatly to the problems, make no mistake. not for a second am i saying that i don’t see sisters that are out of our right minds. i do.

as black women wait for black men to stand up, show up and be counted---black men are looking out for number one---themselves. only. i wish the truth were different. however, it is not as far as i can see. no one hates, disrespects, and perpetuates consistent violence and abuse against black women more men. so much so, when the conversation is broached, one will often hear, "it has always been this way". others will say it is our "culture".

i reject it and refuse to act contrary to the woman i was created to be. protecting black men is not the role God assigned me. nurturing children, yes. supporting a black man (not necessarily my black man) that is in line with God's will and acting in truth, courage, honor, integrity; yes. excluding all others for the sole reason that they are not black, no more.

so, yes, we are on different paths. no doubt. we both suffer the effects of racism. in addition i suffer the effects of sexism. in the event that i only get this one life would you as my brother, not want to see me happy if my happiness happens to not be in black skin? if so, where are the voices of men like you with our brothers that have sought happiness elsewhere? are you letting them "be men" while taking issue with my right to "be a woman"? why? look at that my friend.


focusedpurpose said...

hi Tasha:-)

each day brings about evolution. writing allows me proof of this evolution.

i do not know how old you, maybe you have told me before and i have since forgotten:-) i am thirty-six as of may 20th. i realize now more than ever that i want to be happy. i want to be a blessing to others. i want to stand in truth, courageously, without regard for popular opinion.

here's what's so...

my first boyfriend was an italian guy. he loved me in words and most importantly deeds. he, literally took whippings for me. (i think black guys feeling like they could be violent with him, even though i was a complete stranger to them reinforced the notion that they belonged to me and i to them. ) if he was to see me later in the day on a special occassion, he would come at midnight to leave gifts, chocolates and flowers so that i would enjoy a whole special day. my family broke us up. years later he called to let my family know that he loved me and in fact married a black woman.

i am not opposed to dating white men. at this point, i am not opposed to dating anyone that loved me in words and in deeds. right now in time, i am not dating anyone. i am not interested to date anyone. i need to be with me and focus on my son. in fact, i don't think i could date anyone right now. i won't claim a broken heart, i will say, that all that i thought i knew has proven to be a lie. i will say, that i will not ever discount, or allow others to pressure me, again, to discount love because of the packaging or color.

it is interesting to note, that my brothers have always dated outside of the race and never received any pressure to break off their relationships. if only black women are responsible to the black race, this will always be a mess. not only black men survived white supremacy/racism and slavery. we all bear the scars. we all must clock in, go to work and honor our ancestors and descendents. (i now realize the message has always been that we belong to black men---they belong to themselves.)

i could never walk with someone that did not share my belief in justice for humanity. of course, there is always the danger that people will lie about who they are. this, i have learned recently, knows no color.

in the interest of self love, self acceptance and self respect, one cannot ignore the glaring fact that our heart’s desire for love, companionship, motherhood, etc. will be but a dream if we maintain a narrow---it must be black focus. that is all i am saying. black women it seems hold this detrimental position while our brothers and sons do not.

what other people do, i have long believed is their business. i take issue only, when the choices are justified by lies. or if another person refuses to tell the truth and expect that i will automatically co-sign the lie because i, too, am black. i have acquaintances in interracial relationships that act as if denigrating black folks is now acceptable. i am not endorsing this practice. i am simply saying that i will no longer limit my options in the future.

also Tasha, i must say that as a very dark-skinned sister, i am having a different experience than you are with black men. that is not to say that you don’t encounter the holes of asses like all women of all colors all over the world. i am simply saying that within the black community you have been assigned a greater value than me and other sisters like me. does that make sense? i don’t feel like the whole hueism conversation right now, but that has to be factored in. though, i must say, as black men now have greater access to non-black women my less melanined (i think i made that word up:-) sisters today are faring differently today than they did yesteryear.

i have always been and will die what people label a radical black woman. to see what we as black women face today, at the hands of our black men, is heart wrenching. that description, disconcerting, no words in the english language can fully convey my mental state in the face of the truth. we now have true equality. black men have now given us the right to be battered, abused, and murdered just as any black man.

these same black men would never serve a day behind bars fighting for freedom, equality, and self determination in our society. so it is not a matter of balls. it takes big ones to brutalize innocent people and then play the victim. black men and women must put on right thinking. we are dreadfully lost and must get back to basics. we must stop shunning our african heritage and embrace it. the keys to our freedom lies in our african heritage. consider, if americans sneeze and the world catches a cold, what if black americans stopped with the non-stop worship at the white altar? all nations adopt our practices---good or bad---and emulate us. what if black folks learned to love black? we are running around craving to be brown, oh God anything but black!

btw, my dream man is about 6’3-6’7, deep rich black with nappy wooly hair, full lips, broad nose, honest, respects himself, respects women, loves children and animals, is well read, walks softly, a velvet hammer, courageous, with a smile that makes my obedience to him my joy. (yes ! i said obedient! obedience, to me, is actually a blessing of womanhood that has been perverted by corrupt men that seek dominion through perverted means---whole other oprah and post!)

I recently accepted that love in this package could be just that, a dream. essentially, all i am saying is that when i start dating again, in about ten years (okay, that’s the pain talking!:-) i won’t be blowing off honorable men that don’t fit that description as i have in the past. that’s all.

blessings sis,

focusedpurpose said...


you ask:

"What do you see as the future of the Black community?"

i see a non-existent black community if we (men and women) don't get serious about our survival. we will go the way of the moors...procreated right out of existence. i have been sounding that alarm for awhile now. of course, there is a push to get us there. notice black women (not talking about bi-racial women---i mean african looking, wooly nappy haired black women are being rendered non-existent? when we do see them, the debasement is soul wounding. if you haven’t noticed, watch the treatment of the potential first lady. even in soul music or other mediums created by black women. white, less melanined sisters -Beyonce and Rihanna- and biracial women are pushed front and center. Mary J is an assimilated blonde mess!) the rest of the time when we show up it is on the arm of a white man. black children do not spring from these unions. black men pursuing all women non-black cease to exist. for example, take obama's father and hold obama next to him---the outcome is decidedly different. one is black in every sense of the word. the other is not. get mad folks---its true. we are eliminating ourselves.

disregard for your offspring is not the behavior of a people that is poised for survival much less progress. i have even read of black men that have deemed black women the worst mothers. black women are the first mothers! with some help, as God intended, parenting is not a solo project! this could turn around. we as a people are out of divine order. men and women entering into covenant with one another, commitment, marriage is essential to building communities. continuing to blame slavery for the procreate and run practices of black men today, is a tired excuse for sexual irresponsibility. of course, black women should not have children with men they are not married to as well. i suggest not even having coffee with someone that is not marriage material. qualify that soon sisters and DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. for health reasons, i would swear off sex, too! there is a lot of sexual irresponsibility on both sides of the gender coin.

"Can it be saved?"

yes. by black men and women. in that order. black women and children can not save the black community! black men must behave as men, root themselves and go to work. in doing so, they will gain the respect of black women and secure for themselves a seat at the table of men.

it is an exercise in futility for black women to labor to save black people. it is not in divine order. only a mess can ensue. men are the head. lop off the head and the body (women and children) will collapse. it ain't rocket science. stop with the excuses. be accountable and responsible and get busy. NO ONE will save black men and the black collective but black men. not even God. God only helps those that help themselves. chasing after and struggling to insert your black selves into everyone else's community while abandoning your own---when you are not being snatched out of it by a judicial system that is stacked against you; however, if you are forewarned, as all black men are or should be by now, you should be forearmed. seeking to minimize your stress while leaving your women and children in a stressful, impoverished mess is undignified and makes your women wonder wth! balls to stand and fight like men? anyone? anyone? where are you?

"Do you want it saved?"

with all that i am. each child that is murdered, daily, my soul cries. african proverbs tells us that we never know which womb holds the chief. i am praying for an army of Malcolms, Martins, and our Haitian warrior ancestors that would not bow to enslavement to rise and go to work. i pray that we will refuse to continue to be complacent, distracted, divided, indulged in the blame game, disrespectful of all that is sacred---the African family--- and get back to basics. now. soon. right away. black women have been holding this together, mothers and grandmothers, for so long that we are now broken in some instances. in others, like my case, we are refusing to be broken as a result of acting contrary to nature.

"Can the relationship between Black women and men be repaired?"

yes. i have hope and faith. abandoning the double standards and blame game would be a great start. restoring respect---from both sides of the gender coin. not behaving like white folks---white men and women’s bickering with each other have nothing to do with us! i see black men and women duped into believing it does.

men must shut down swiftly those men that will disrespect, abuse, rape and murder black women. black men must bestow value on black women and children. somethings are just not permissible. waiting for white folks to care is…stupid. they are ok with us killing ourselves---it saves them the trouble and provides them with entertainment as well as justification for their white supremacy.

both black men and women must abandon what our society dictates we should want, do and accept as black people. this society has never meant us well and nothing has changed. those that say it has are a.) misguided. b.) lying c.) paid to create confusion and destruction. guidelines for black folks should be set for black folks by black folks chosen by black folks approved of by black folks. whether white folks approve is irrelevant. everything CANNOT be diverse. only black folks are gobbling up and dying from that poisonous lie. other nations, in this country, have institutions for them by them that is not inclusive of others that are not a part of their community. period. we only emulate the shit that DOESN'T work! we must cease and desist with that immediately. we are legitimate by ourselves; we don't need others to make us good or legitimate.

"Are you adverse to any attempts to trying?"

not at all. there must be consideration for the good of the black collective at all times, cooperation, compromise, balance, and justice. all of these elements are currently missing.

i would be interested to know your thoughts/answers, as a black man, to the questions you posed.

blessings my brother,

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

we want the same thing
its great seeing women as yourself preach this gospel

Ana said...

I read your post and I felt compelled to comment.As a foreign born Afro latina, I have lived in this country long enough to experience, notice and be able to empathize with many of the things that take place here.

One thing, black women must understand that the world has changed.I see too many black women still living in the past, spitting out the same silly nonsense that they have to stand beside black men for mere solidarity purpose. I have to hear the same thing coming in masse from black men.That doormat mentality has to go.

With the changes that have fast encroached upon us in this world ,many women around the globe today are not afraid to look for love in places where they wouldn't have in earlier times. This is why we see a lot of black men in relationships with non-black women.

Non-black women are light years ahead of us.Most women love and prefer their own men. I am tired of black women always repeating this, it is already given and understood. If a woman dates and marries a man outside of her race that does not mean that she has abandoned her people.

I agree with you:
Black men don't belong to black women and also vice versa.

We must learn to be cool, and collected in thoughts and also in selecting our mates. We worry too much about things that are out of our domain. Let God decide what color some of the future generations are supposed to be.Black people will never disappear from this planet.

The present is what I have to deal with in a way that it can impact the future of my people in a positive way if I act with wisdom,power, grace and love. Without these tools, my actions may harbor foolishness and desperation.

Black women alone cannot carry the black race on our shoulders. God does not expect us to.

Many national groups do not raise their daughters to protect men and to believe that only their men can truly love ,marry and take them seriously. This is something that is a false notion in the black American culture. Most women around the world don't see things that way. Black people are not the only sufferers and oppressed on this planet.

Another thing here, black women are blamed for everything that goes wrong with black people.

I had to insult the author of He blames black women for everything. I told him he needs to start a movement with black men with a positive "Black People Agenda" in mind and leave black women alone.
He is not able to do that. He is waiting for black women to be the footsoldiers in his blacktown, because he cannot find enough black men to start anything positive.

All I want to see is black women loosening the heavy burden that we are the "men" of the black race.We are not. We are women and human.We can be weak, frail, afraid, strong, mean, good, soft,intelligent or have any other human qualities that human beings have.

Like everyone, we are alloted by our Maker and Creator a short time to live and we deserve to be respected, loved, happy, praised,and receive all the gifts and bounties that we desrve as God's beloved children.Keep strong.

Cordiales Saludos,

focusedpurpose said...


my brother, it is what it is.

brothers are already walking this path in large numbers, sisters are standing, waiting for brothers to love them more than the other women of the planet that are the daughters of those with greater societal advantages. and we all know how quite a few brothers require things to be...easy.

it ain't happening and i for one, plan to live. fully. i invite as many sisters that can hear me to join me in being open to all men with all the advantages in this society so that we, too, can enjoy...easy...stress-free...lives as women. holding out for a black man is the hard way. i am done with the hard way.

i pray more sisters will hear me. you are in atl, my sisters are surrounded by openly gay men, down-low men, and men that love love love all women non black. brothers LOVE atl. sisters are the surplus womanhood that is on standby when brothers feel like black flavor in their womanhood medley. i have lived in and fled atl. i pray soon, that black women will vacate these posts and get in the business of living fully. alaska anyone??? :-)everything else is the hard way. if brothers don't care about the uplift of the women can't afford to care. run sisters toward love! run! fast!

hope all is well with your shop. i will seek you out when i am in atl next. i have a maltese that has saved me from the grating desire to have another baby. yes, i dress him up and dote on him. !?:-)! so i could really support your services. do you have a website? let a sister know. i believe in recycling the black dollar.

i find you interesting though i must confess at times i find it is hard to understand what you are saying:-( sometimes you are hypermasculine.(in a sexy way:-) plus, i am not as cool as you. i tend to be a bit square in general:-)

thanks for coming through. i have mad love and respect for you my brother.


Evia said...

Part 1
Focused, this is my first time at your site because I decided to check you out as a result of yesterday’s exchange over at Shecodes. I was surprised to find a discussion here about me. If I’m going to be talked about, I’m happy that someone of your caliber is doing it. LOL! So I decided to respond. I’ll post my response in parts since it’s lengthy.

Life is a process; understanding is a process; accepting is a process.

You and I think similarly about many aspects of the AA situation. The major difference is that I’m quite a bit farther along in the process than you.

With any situation that you face in life, you mainly have 3 choices: you can either change it, accept it, or change the way you look at it.

I’m a realist; a pragmatist; I’m results-oriented. My oldest son calls me “the General.” LOL! In other words, if I can’t accomplish my goal in Wisconsin, I’m willing to move to Kentucky, and if I can’t accomplish it there, I’m willing to move to Nevada, and if I can’t accomplish it there, I’m willing to move to Mombassa, and to Tahita, and, Montreal, and on and on until I achieve it.

I pay a lot of attention to indicators or “signs” to evaluate people and to assess situations, the same as economists view signs of a robust economy or the signs of a recession. Like now, they’ve had to “accept” that the U.S. economy is in a recession. This is exactly how I look at people and situations. I’ve done this my entire life; this is how I’m wired. I NEVER ignore those signs—even when the signs scare me to pieces. I can’t bury my head in the sand.

When I looked at the critical indicators or signs in the AA community 15-10-5 years ago, I clearly saw that AA boat was sinking—FAST—for a lot of AAs--and blacks themselves were sticking more holes in the boat. I’ve always “studied” social phenomena and analyzed their implications. I became alarmed about many of those signs that I saw in the AA community and since I’m outspoken, I spoke out about them, but many other black folks I encountered were so complacent and/or paralyzed by their anger at ‘de evil wm.’ They would rant about that or some would say things like, “God has brought us this far; he ain’t gon let us down now,” So after they finished ranting and ‘testifying’ they would shrug and change the subject. Some others of them got involved to change things. I have always been involved in some sort of AA community uplift effort since I’ve been an adult and I still am.

I do this because I firmly believe that with a few exceptions, God “only” helps those who help themselves. I could be wrong. I’m a realist and I’m not afraid to see.

Evia said...

part 2


marriage is essential to building communities.

I totally agree. Marriage, or the lack, is one of those indicators that I look at because marriage and family represent the most BASIC building block of a community, nation, society. Marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman—an investment/belief in their future, and the way--through their children--of continuing the path towards their common destiny. The family starts with a marriage of whatever type that is socially sanctioned by that community, culture--and though marriage is imperfect--it’s the best arrangement that humans have devised for raising children. We can only survive over time through our children.

Someone asked whether we--in our present configuration--can be saved. I don’t believe we can do it UNLESS that basic building block made up of marriage and family is in place. That’s the first step. Without that, we’re spinning our wheels. No other group has ever done it any other way in recorded history.

I realize that most AA women grew up expecting to be loved by a bm and marry a bm, but when I assess the situation of 70% singleness among sistas, I look for indicators to see whether this will change. I don’t see anything heading in that direction.

I’m a realist. I have “accepted” that bm are NOT “coming back home” to the bulk of those sistas nor will many of the ones who never left home marry those sistas because the women have very little leverage and are often hesitant to use what they have for fear of being called “disloyal.” So, once you accept something isn’t going to happen (as I have) you don’t spend anymore time expecting it to happen. You look instead for additional solutions—not necessarily “better” men in this case, but more men and naturally more QUALITY men.

Focused, I’ve seen this coming for at least 15 years because I wasn’t scared to look at it. I decided that I was going to get out of the sinking boat and help as many other bw get out as possible. That was one of the major reasons that I decided to pack up everything I owned and move to Nigeria with my first love (Nigerian husband). I wanted to raise my children there so they could get a new paradigm—into another boat that hopefully wasn’t sinking. At the time I left, I didn’t plan to ever come back to the States.

Another indicator is that I rarely see anything on or offline where bm are working to organize or teach other bm to uplift the black community or to focus exclusively on “black love.” I hear or read a bit of lipservice, but that’s it.

black women should not have children with men they are not married to as well

I definitely believe that marriage should come before children, but a woman can’t force a man to love her or marry her. I know many AA women who are single mothers and these sistas are at all socioeconomic levels. Lots of them will say they would prefer to be married. I know some people claim that bw don’t want to get married, but I don’t believe that for the vast number of them. Why would a bw prefer to have to struggle alone as a single parent? And if only married AA women should have children, then at this time, only the 30% of us who are married can have children, I guess. What’s the AA population going to be like at that rate?

Evia said...

part 3--final part

black women should not have children with men they are not married to as well

I definitely believe that marriage should come before children, but a black woman can’t force a man to value her, love her or marry her or to be good fathers. I know many AA women who are single mothers and these sistas are at all socioeconomic levels. Lots of them will say they would prefer to be married. I know some people claim that bw don’t want to get married, but I don’t believe that for the vast number of them. Why would a bw prefer to have to struggle alone as a single parent? And folks love to pretend that sistas have a bunch of several "good" bm to choose from, but just love them thugz. LOL! Or maybe they're saying that a sista should pick the first "good" bm who shows up?

it is an exercise in futility for black women to labor to save black people. it is not in divine order.

As one of my commenters said, “black women make up the overwhelming majority of the soldiers still left on the battlefield.”

i do understand the animosity. i am not painting most black men as dbr while singing to the high heavens about how great white men are; when white men and white women are the direct cause of the mangled/damaged condition of black americans and blacks world-wide. so i do understand the resentment and hostility.

I have never said what percentage of AA men are DBRs, but there are a lot of them. There are many bm predators out there too. There are also many bm who are inadequate as mate and fatherhood material in 2008 for all the reasons that a gazillion authors have written about, but that doesn’t change what IS. They are still unable to meet the challenges of life as husbands and dads, and I would bet that many of them are not trying to learn how to do so in 2008.

IMO, AAs CANNOT remain focused on the past, if we're to have a chance at a future in this country, as a large group. IMO, that dishonors the memory, sacrifices, and contributions of our ancestors. It has almost become an offically approved COPOUT (by AAs at least) for not excelling in 2008. I understand how it impacts a lot of us now and could write books about that, but sometimes that "pain" from the past is used as an "excuse" too--a crutch by blacks who live in $300,000 homes.

I also can’t be held responsible for how every person interprets what I write. We often bring as much/little to what we read as we take away. There are many people who’ve written me to say they don’t interpret what I say to mean that ALL or Most AA men are DBRs. Also keep in mind that what I say doesn’t "create" reality. If there are only a small number of them, then my words don’t create more of them. If there are a lot of them, then my words don’t create more of them. A person's opinions are informed by their life experiences. If there are folks out there who are not aware of the numbers of dbrbm, then I can understand why they would be shocked by what I write.
I also don’t sing praises to white people/wm because I don’t believe that white people are deities. If I believed that racist white people had the kind of power that some blacks seem to think they have, I wouldn’t get up out of the bed in the morning. What would be the point? I wasn’t raised to believe that whites were all-powerful. I was raised by poor, regular black-skinned, hard-working, resourceful, resilient, folks who had faith to believe that I am empowered too. I can’t help that. I’ve been shocked to find out that so many black people feel powerless.

Yes, I believe without any doubt that there are many non-racist, non-dbr white INDIVIDUAL men who I think would make wonderful mates for many of the wonderful sistas out there looking for a mate. When I point that out and urge sistas to broaden their dating and mating options to also include the largest population of men in the country, I don’t consider that singing praises to wm. To me, that’s just makes it easier for a bw to possibly find a quality mate. Remember, I’m a pragmatist; I’m a realist; I’m results-oriented. With the help of God, I’m my own agent. I believe in helping myself and the few others that I can and I believe that other black women should do the same and get off the sinking ship while they still have a chance.

IMO, it doesn’t make sense for AA women to refuse to enter loving relationships with INDIVIDUAL white men in 2008 in order to somehow retaliate for slavery, Jim Crow, and other atrocious acts sponsored by this government. Actually, I’m not sure what exactly you mean in this context when you bring up how blacks have been mangled by slavery and its aftermath and say I sing praises to whites. If an INDIVIDUAL wm loves, cherishes, and adores a bw in 2008, I don’t think it’s smart at all for her to refuse that when her refusal is not going to undo slavery and Jim Crow or any of the rest. Who does that really hurt?

San said...

I love your blog. You speak many of the things that I have been saying for years, but have been called racist. Continue on and keep speaking.


Lola said...


Your prayer has been answered because I hear you. I used to have the "black women for black men" mentality until recently, I actually realized the HARSH reality that all the love I give isn't reciprocated, so why should I keep giving my love in vain?

For years I've seen and heard most black men in IRR blaming black women for it. Date who you want, but why do you have to hate on your own? Why should I be "loyal" to black men when they feel comfortable calling me a b*tch in public like that's my government name?

We have many things we need to realize (and sistas it's gonna be a long list I'll try to make short):

1. STOP defending black men just because they're black. This is one of the reasons why they got cocky and feel that they can diss us and blame us for everything wrong in the community because too many of us let them get away with it cause we still defend the very men that oppress us and beg for their love, and wait for them to "come back home". If someone disrespects me, I don't want him "back home", I change the locks to all the doors to make sure he stays OUT this house.

2. STOP listening to what most of these black churches preach about BW needing to wait for their BM cause it's not gonna happen. The numbers just aren't there, and black men made it clear that we are not their first choice. Black churches do NOT have our best interests at heart, we are the most hard working and successful race of women, what is Oprah's race? They just need our money and to feed the black man's ego that no black woman can live without him. There are millions of men out there, why limit yourselves? You should focus on finding a QUALITY man, regardless of race.

3. STOP thinking BM are our only options. I read a non-black man's post somewhere on the net saying that BW don't expand their horizon because they think other men don't want them.............Arthel Neville, black journalist, has an ASIAN husband. Carlos Santana, who is obviously HISPANIC, has a black wife, and IMAN's husband DAVID BOWIE is WHITE. Obviously all races of men love and MARRY us, desire us, but the media doesn't want you to know it. If we're so not desired, why do you think NIGERIAN MODEL Agbani Darego was MISS WORLD 2001??? She was voted the prettiest woman in the WORLD ok? GOOGLE IT sistas. Oh yeah you didnt know that, and you probably don't know that Peter Norton (Norton Anti-Virus) and Prince Maximilian Liechtenstein (European Monarchy) married black women because the world ain't ready for the fact that all races of men love us, openly or secretly. That's why they will expose Miss World if she's white or light-indian but not if she's black.

4. STOP worrying about what BM think of who you date. Do you think they care about your opinion when they date outside their race? Wake UP!! Do you OWE them an explanation or apology if you date hispanic, indian, white, asian, and so on? I don't belong to black men, it's my life and I'll be damned if I justify my choices to someone who doesn't clothe and feed me, especially if chances are they wouldn't want me anyway if I wanted them. Cut the crap ladies, it's about your happiness and celebration of your womanhood, we need love too, I don't care what color it is.

I'm stopping right now, but you get what I'm saying. Black women need to understand that if they don't choose themselves over people who don't care about their mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health, they WILL lose and stay miserable for the rest of their lives. Not only do we deserve better but so do our little sisters and future daughters, let's quit perpetrating the doormat mentality for good.

lola said...

Oh and one more thing, the future of the black community....there's no such thing as a black community anymore, it is dead and has been for about 10 years (and I've ony accepted it less than a year ago), so you guessed it, nothing dead has a future....since it's dead.

Which leads me to the responsibility to preserve the BC that we BW supposedly have. I love how some BM keep saying BW are killing the community when they date out, where are the BM then to create the "strong black family"? What does a black woman dating out do that a BLACK MAN doesn't? If we are "killing the race" dating out, isn't he "killing the race" dating out too? How are we more responsible?

I refuse the "black community backbone" label, because it is an UNFAIR double standard promoted as a valuable responsibility to take with pride that imprisons us. It is a TRICK and we've been PUNK'D ladies. As painful as it is to admit it, because I used to be THE most "for the black man" militant sister you could ever meet, I refuse to try to help preserve a "community" that doesn't have my back and best interests at heart by sacrificing my happiness and well being.

Khadija said...

@FP: Take a moment to catch your breath & do whatever works best for you! You deserve the best of everything. We all do. {Sending you a burst of love & good wishes} We've talked about this topic before, so I won't repeat all that I've said before. You know what I thing about this issue.

@TLW: I've seen you ask the same questions whenever this topic comes up. With all due respect, why are you repeating these same questions? Can't you see what's going on all around us? Can't you see that your brothers' abandonment & hatred of Black women are forcing those of us who previously felt otherwise to expand our options?

Why don't you ask Black men about the survival of the Black community or Black race. Or ask them if they are willing to repair the relationship between Black men & Black women. Maybe you are asking Black men these questions in forums that I don't visit. But I don't understand why you're repeating them over & over with Black women.

I don't see any good faith reason for this repetition with Black women only. It starts to sound like an effort to pressure us & get us back on the "nothing but a [non-existent & not waiting for us anyway] Black man" plantation?

@Tasha: Just keep living & you'll see.

Peace, blessings & solidarity.

focusedpurpose said...

hi Ana-

welcome back sis! i agree with what you have had to say. alas, it is true. it has taken me a lifetime, many bruises and a few scars to get the truth. now, i have finally gotten it.

there is one thing you say with which i beg to respectfully disagree.

you said:

"Black people will never disappear from this planet."

naturally, maybe no. however, considering that blacks (world-wide) are battling a most unnatural black skin persecution, i cannot say with conviction that we will always be here. especially, not in the face of deliberate de-population efforts from a multitude of entities, in a multitude of ways. survival is neither promised nor guaranteed.

as a woman, i don't even have seed to insure goes forward. as a woman i am a carrier and nurturer of that seed. so if black men don't care---i can't afford to. I give myself permission to live freely, happily, and abundantly. immediately. i urge other black women to do the same!

thanks for visiting and sharing. i value and respect your voice.

blessings sis,

TLW said...

As far as the future, I believe that if we are to move forward then there must be a paradigm shift in how we go about things because the direction that we are going now is clearly not working. In my opinion, we have bought hook, line, and sinker, the "American Dream" of capatilism, materialism, greed is good, get rich or die trying at any and everyones expense, its all about me mentality and that has caused great harm to our already struggling community. We need to back away from this mentality first and foremost.

As far as the relationship between Black men and women are concerned I certainly hope it can be repaired. Reading these blogs by Black women have made me re-think many of my previously held beliefs so I am still trying to sort my feelings on all of this.

This is the second time I have posed these questions to a Black woman and I am not even sure if I have posed these exact questions before. You make it sound as if I do it all the time. I am a curious person by nature and I love to ask people questions about matters that interest me and sometimes I do ask the same questions to different people to guage what their thoughts on a certain matter is. There is never just one answer to questions such as these, people have different opinions. I also have never put pressure on Black women to think one way or the other about this issue, I have expressed MY views on this topic before but I have NEVER said any other views are wrong. I also ask other questions to Black women about other issues as well not just this one like you are making it sound like.

Now I will admit that I have noticed that I have a gender bias/block and many of the issues that I have read on these blogs by Black women I have never even considered. So maybe all of this seems so elementary to you but to me this is new information that I am trying my hardest to digest and challenge many of my previous beliefs and if I have to ask questions to get a better understanding then I don't see why that is a problem since I have been nothing but respectful.

focusedpurpose said...

btw Ana-

i have had occasion to deal with that pitiful, whiney black, everything is my momma's fault, black man church, we will build us a town comprised of men only group as well.

here's the thing, i have never met men that wanted to live only with...other men, that didn't have...boyfriends. ok?

he hates black women and i am sure he feels that same hatred returned.

i work diligently to not waste time insulting people i don't know. i simply invited him to consider the truth. there must be balance, compromise, and cooperation between black men and women in order for this to get any better.

to his credit he was gracious enough to leave my comments on his youtube thread with the exception of the one where i invited the women that were wasting energy arguing with him to come and talk to me here at my blog home. that one he deleted.

in order for him to do what he does and get any satisfaction, there must be black women that will waste time arguing with him. i don't care at this point. if black men building and living in black man town makes sense, let them go. once they die that will be the end. black men cannot exist and will not continue to exist without black women. period. introduce strange women and men will not exist.

quite a few black men don't care, so i can't afford to. life is about choices. i will not lose sleep, waste my youth, ruin my looks worrying about those that could care less about me.

in other words, Ana, stop arguing with that fool! and those like him.

blessings sis:-),

focusedpurpose said...

hi Evia, San, Lola---welcome ladies.

i want to do your responses justice, i have business to conduct. when i am done i will come back.

thanks for your comments and for visiting. you are all always welcome:-)


Khadija said...


Point taken. I had to ask, though. I've watched so many Black men in these forums "play the nut role" and act as if they have no clue that there's a problem. Black men "playing the nut role" about other Black men's abandonment & exploitation of Black women is adding to the problem.

I've also watched many Black men (and some Black women---I used to be one of them until reality forced my to reconsider my positions) regurgitate ideology while discounting the harsh reality that is causing Black women to re-think marrying out.

In response to your questions:

1-Overall, Black men have not reciprocated Black women's sense of obligation to the so-called Black community.

2-Judging from outward actions & words, most Black men are not concerned about building Black marriages & families. Only Black women seem to be preoccupied with Black marriage & families.

3-Black women cannot build healthy Black marriages & Black families by themselves.

4-Black men are not questioning other Black men's decision to chase & marry non-Black women. Only Black women seem to be preoccupied with Black men's reproductive & marriage choices; and how said choices impact the so-called Black community.

5-For the most part, the "can we all get along," "can we work it out," & "what about the Black community" questions are ONLY directed at Black women. NOT at the Black men who have walked away from Black women & the so-called Black community. NOT at the Black men who exploit Black women.

6-While all of the above is going on, Black women are suffering. Tremendously. Without any relief in sight under the status quo situation.

7-The status quo is intolerable and other arrangements need to be made. Now.

Peace, blessings & solidarity.

Ana said...

I agree with you. I realize that the author of blacktown is a lost case.

He just irritated me so bad once, he really hits below the belt with his tirade.
He is just plain "horribilis". I feel sorry for him.

I agree with you. There is a human toll, and I hate to see the decimation of our people worldwide. The figures are truly alarming.

Black people survived being kidnapped from Africa, the Middle Passage , the atrocities during the long period of slavery,isolation,segregation,
discrimination,hatred, neglect and every human abuse in the book.

We will have to survive the stinging infliction of self hatred.

My faith in God's love inspires me to have firm conviction that our people are not going to go down in history as a disappeared race of people.

Cordiales Saludos,

Ana said...

Good day.I believe that the future holds many possibilities.

Like the people of Nineveh, we have the power to erase what appears in the distance to be a dismal ending.

We need to stop seeing ourselves as victims and powerless people with no control over our lives.

With God's help we have enormous power to change our present and bring about a different and glorious future for ourselves and our people.

Cordiales Saludos,

truth said...

I'm disappointed by the tone of your latest post. It would be one thing if you said many or some Black men behave in a terrible manner, but it pretty much sounds like you're grouping every black man's behavior in the country as the same. There are vast individual differences among black men, just like there are for black women or any other group of people on earth.

My fiance is a dark skinned black woman and she is in no danger of death from me. She will never be disrespected by me nor told she is not beautiful. There are many more Black men like myself, who are decent, hard working men who pay their taxes like everyone else. We are not all lusting over white or whatever non — black woman.

I find it kind of ironic that you criticize black men for grouping black women together as one stereotypical personality type and then turn around group all black men as well the "devil."

With that said, I wish you well in your "something new" search for love. I have an African American female friend who dated outside of her race, but now is engaged to a Black man. She told me dating outside of her was a good idea and encouraged other black women to do it as well. She came away from the dating experience stating that men were men, regardless color. It depends on how a person was raised, values and education level when it comes to the way an individual behaves in a relationship, not their race. She told me about jokers she dated that happened to be white, asian and hispanic. She also had positive experiences as well. She came away from the experience not being so hard a Black men, although, she is just one women. Judging by the majority of your commenters, they have more success interracially dating than my friend did.

All I will say is human behavior serves a function, no matter how messed up that behavior may be. Yet, it is still Human behavior.

Maybe you will find that out when you start dating non black men or maybe you'll find the non — black man of your dreams on your first try. Either way, I honestly wish you a peaceful journey and Lord willing, love and happiness.

SheCodes said...


First, I want you to know that I am praying for the best outcomes for you: health, love, joy, peace, and victorious, satisfying companionship. I want this for all of my sisters, and for myself also.

The harsh, undeniable reality is that most black women are facing the choice of marrying interracially or turning to a feral state of relationships with black men.

I see more and more sisters 'hitting bottom' every day, and it does not bring me any joy to see their pain, but it does bring a sense of relief to know that they will alter their course to one that is more likely to bring happiness and comfort.

The Almighty is no longer creating Adams out of soil. We are now the creators of men, given that power by God.

Maybe - just maybe - the new generation of men that come from us will change the tide in this matter.

While we can not count on that, we can definitely teach our daughters what we now know, so that they do not have to repeat the same hardship that so many black women are facing today.

Erica said...

Beautiful, honest post. For some reason i think the difference in treatment of black women and women of other races has much to do with the idea of femininity being only attached to the latter. White women (and indian and asian and hispanic women) are also portrayed as more feminine because they seem to be better at being quiet, submissive, and obedient. Black women are loud, blunt, aggressive, and foward. They make it less possible for black men to feel "like men", to be in utter control, and they dont like that. Not only that,black women remain at such a low social status (despite advances in education etc.)so he figures: "why stay with her, this inferior being, and feel emasculated, when i can be with someone who kisses the ground i walk on?"

I would love to hear your thoughts on my blog.

Anonymous said...

i see a non-existent black community if we (men and women) don't get serious about our survival. we will go the way of the moors...procreated right out of existence.

I agree with this comment but how can you call yourself a strong woman if you are giving up?

One thing you have to understand is that the masses of black americans want the "American dream" which basically means assimilation or integration not understanding that the end result will be inter-breeding to the point of non-existence. All black people don't care about the future survival and existence of our race but that doesn't mean that you should feel the same way.

Just because everyone else is jumping off that bridge doesn't mean that you have to. There are 40 million black people in America and you can't expect the majority of them to be conscious.

But with that said I am not trying to pesuade you to feel a certain way. The decision is yours and yours alone so you have to do what is best for you. But let me ad this, people who fight for righteousness are usually the minority anyway. But as long as there are small pockets of us who love our people UNconditionally, we will always be here. But giving in because everyone else does makes you no better than the rest.

P.S. You make a good point about the Moors. We love to give them so much credit for the technological advances for society, but these guys wiped themselves off the map by mating with the Spainiards. I don't want to call them sellouts, but i can't find a better word.

Anonymous said...

why did black men check out??? or were they ever there in the first place...?

the collapse of the black family has always puzzled me. i am not sure what black men or black women did to cause it.

i need answers!

Khadija said...

"Anonymous" at 4:58 p.m.:

Let me start off by saying that your post is a textbook example of why Black women need to start looking out for our own interests. And stop listening to the madness coming from segments of the Black community that have grown fat off of riding Black women like mules.

I was disgusted by your callous disregard for Black women's suffering. This post was obviously very painful for FocusedPurpose to write. It was painful for me to read because I empathize with her [and the rest of my sisters].

Obviously, you're not troubled by a Black woman's pain. You glossed right over it to get to your main point: trying to scold FocusedPurpose for walking away from the mule role: " can you call yourself a strong woman if you are giving up?" WTH? Don't you get it? Black women having to be "strong" for centuries is totally out of divine order! It is NOT our responsibility to carry Black men & the entire Black race on our backs alone.

I suggest that you to take your attempted scoldings to the legions of Black men who have walked away from the so-called Black community.

Functioning as mules & substitutes for the Black males who should be carrying their own weight is killing Black women. Mentally. Spiritually. Physically. This apparently isn't a problem for you. However, this IS a problem for Black women & those others who care about Black women.

Obviously, you are willing to continue offering up Black women as human sacrifices on the altar of failed ideology. I am not willing to be sacrificed. I would also urge more of my sisters to escape from the madness & continued suffering that you are peddling.

It's long past time for Black women to claim our God-given right to be WOMEN. Like every other woman on this planet gets to be a woman. Not mules to be exploited & then discarded by the so-called Black community. Not substitute men.

Sisters, break free! You have a God-given right to the same opportunities for healthy, fulfilling lives as every other woman on this planet.

Peace, blessings & solidarity with my sisters.

Khadija said...

@FP: Apologies for any multiple postings, there was a problem with the comments section.

Peace, blessings & solidarity.

Anonymous said...


Making up things that I never said proves nothing. Unless you are crazy or just want to pick a fight, there is NO way that you could have read my post and think that I was scolding her in any way.

The whole purpose of my post was to let her know that she isn't the only one who feels like giving up sometimes, but if she's feels strongly about her beliefs, then she should keep going. Everyone get discouraged sometimes.

There is no callous disregard for her pain. If you would stop being so confrontaional and just read my actual post, you could see that.

I am not trying to keep you from your god given right to be a woman and I am not offering you as a sacrifice and I am not peddling any suffering.

You are obviously a bitter, scorned woman. I stand by my original statement and you are free to disagree with me.


My state comment was in no way meant to be disrepectful to you or disregard your feelings. Read it and take what you will from it (if anything) but don't listen to the interpretation by this angry woman.

An by the way, that second anonymous under my statement was not me.

focusedpurpose said...


welcome to my house sis. thanks for the compliment. it means a lot coming from a sister like you:-) never worry about length here. i prefer substance.

i first came across your voice on the ruminations of a racial realist site. i have visited your site many times since then, long before you disabled your comment section.

i can agree that we see a lot of issues faced by black women the same way. i don't know that i agree that you are further along in your awareness. how would one gauge that? i have not begun to write my thoughts in a way that you, or anyone, could read and know where i am in my journey. i do think that we have simply "thrown in the towel" so to speak at different times during our journey. which makes perfect sense, in light of the fact that i tend to be more tenacious/persistent than most. it feels a lot, at times, like riding a mechanical bull; which i have done in stiletto pointy toed stuart weitzman’s thank you:-). (the operator was not happy! who cares? it was my experience and i wanted it to be the way i wanted it to be!) i am the one that gets thrown many times more than my girlfriends---once or twice is typically enough for them i've noticed---while i keep getting up; declaring that i won't be defeated and trying again; applying what i learned from the last toss:-) this is the best way i can explain where/how i am.

i can see clearly the destruction that is in full effect and that which lies on the horizon. like you, i can face the truth---without regard for how frightful it may be. in fact, i prefer the truth. i don't paralyze when the truth looks at me hard. i practice being afraid of something and doing it anyways. i teach my son this as well as challenge others that cross my path to adopt this practice. it takes courage to live.

i see what is unfolding as a part of the plan. the powers that be have always struggled with solutions for the "negro problem". they have even taken the time to write it down in books, government documents, etc.

i don't believe in allocating too much power to white folks, however, one cannot speak to the conditions of black folks in this country (and around the world) without addressing the role that white folks have played/continue to play in the destruction as far as i am concerned. to do so is lopsided at best, indicative of the love of studying why black folks respond the way we do to white supremacy; while refusing to study white folks and why they feel compelled to perpetuate such a destructive, peace killing world-wide lie. especially, considering the fact that for centuries, whites have declared war on black folks. (and all other nations of color---the world majority population---for that matter.)

black folks have been so-called "free" in this land of the free, home of the brave, where there is liberty and justice for all for a little over 40 years. it stands to reason that there will be a great deal of inner-work necessary to recover from the century long ravages of white supremacy. in fact, the black collective needs some counseling! we have sustained great trauma---forty acres, a mule, and some time with ourselves building an economic base and our own communities should be the order of the day. the government, with our assistance works against this obvious solution. our go-getter men have decided to move/mate out leaving the predators, complacent, timid, damaged males behind.

i am simply at this point stressing/expressing the truth that i am not atlas. it is going to take some heavy lifting and brothers like Kevin Powell need some help:-) as long as a great majority of brothers act as if it is optional to do something to be a part of the solution to the crises faced by black folks in this country...retreat and shamelessly progressing the black woman's agenda is the only thing that makes sense to me as a black woman. this is the best course for black women and girls as far as i can see. brothers have some men work to do. with the rights of men come responsibility.

i have been politically and socially conscious since i was a small child less than ten years old. i have always worked to benefit/uplift/progress black folks---even when my efforts got me personally in hot water or cost me something that i personally wanted. I will always stand for black folks and couldn't care less for those pinheads that believe everything has to be so "diverse" that we can't even address our own issues much less work with focused purpose to eradicate the disease (white supremacy and its effects, e.g., self hatred) that is ravaging us. i focus without apology on black folks and have simply narrowed my focus with laser-like precision to the plight of black women and girls in this country. brothers have plenty black females that will hurl themselves and their children in harm's way to protect the interest of black men. black women and girls have only ourselves at this point, in my opinion. yes, there are brothers that will stand up for black women and girls; they tend to be better behaved than those brothers insistent on tearing us down.

for the record, i do not hate black men. i do not endorse denigrating or degrading black men (and women) by anyone. i do reserve the right to tell the truth without black folks acting like that makes me disloyal or somehow wrong. the truth can never be wrong ; only in this backwards world do we act as if it is or can be. like you Evia, i am prepared to stand and let the chips fall where they may. like you, i have the courage to tell the truth as i see it.

Evia, we also agree, God helps those that help themselves. or in other without works is...dead.

blessings sis,

focusedpurpose said...


we stand in firm agreement as it relates to marriage and its importance.

one must also acknowledge that the statistics don't indicate which black women fell prey to the murphy brown syndrome as i call it. she was the face of the women have children by themselves campaign. i cannot discuss this topic without acknowledging sisters that will loudly proclaim that they don't need a man...for anything! i routinely urge them to stop telling that lie whenever possible.

like you, i don't believe that black women are happy being single. i know that in quite a few cases those claims are lies. just as the claims of being a size 30+ healthy+ happy. i don't for a moment believe it. i have even noticed that when one, respectfully and in love discuss issues of weight with sisters; there are sisters that will say they are losing weight and not because of their appearance. as if, caring for your appearance is somehow wrong. there has been a lot of brain twisting taking place. mentacide. I reject it and urge others to as well.

as far as the interracial tide---it is no different than relaxing or conking one's hair. black men started this practice and black women took it to a full out extreme. black women hold to the practice of processing their hair long after most black men have ceased and desisted. dating, mating, and procreating out is no different. where the head goes, the body will follow. it really is that simple. for this reason, the blame the body for the direction of the head argument works my last nerve.

Evia you asked:

"And if only married AA women should have children, then at this time, only the 30% of us who are married can have children, I guess. What’s the AA population going to be like at that rate?"

not trying to be funny here...
...the aa population would be better provided for, protected, educated, and competitive.

great numbers of the "un" everything i just listed only create a permanent underclass and untouchables of society. if other nations can have the one child rule, which i am not endorsing, and still emerge powerful enough to create a power shift in the world---black folks, with our high fertility rates could work together and pull it in.

children that you are ill equipped to care and provide for cease to be a blessing. they become a burden...for men and women...this is why we see our children dying needlessly daily. black fathers and mothers “snapping”.

true parenting is a two parent deal. God designed it this way; as descendents of Africa, our culture is communal and we all take care of our babies. the fact that we are so far removed from our civilized selves is evident in all that we see. now fathers are molesting their personal daughters and everyone else's that they can get their hands on as evidenced by the rate of stds in black girls who are largely unprotected and unprovided for as God intended.

i really don't know who started that thug studpidness. i personally, have never liked guys that were stupid and dull. thugs tend to be just that and look stupid long before they open their mouths and remove all doubt; as evidenced by clothes hanging off, giant feminine earrings, gold teeth, etc. having met college educated, suit wearing thugs as well let me make sure to acknowledge them as well. they are all included in my big fat…UUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!

again, there are some black women that have fallen prey to the whole "i don't need a man" lie. i have met these women personally and have needed great focus and discipline to not choke the life out of them:-) acting brand new gets us no where! i am simply saying that black women must realize they have many options, open themselves to them, and exercise them. now, if one carries themselves like a vh1 stereotype/caricature of a black woman you may find your options are somewhat limited, hence, my emphasis on self love, self acceptance, and self respect.

black women not only make up the majority of the soldiers on the battlefield---the women and children are on the frontlines PROTECTING the MEN because they are an endangered species! uh, yes! and the non stop procreating out aint helping you brothers! allowing your freedom to be taken behind stupid stuff---all bad.

at no time Evia have i ever advocated focusing on the past. i am urging those black folks that believe it wise to DISREGARD our history and act as if it isn't in a more subtle, refined, insidious manner REPEATING itself to stop it. those that do not know and honor their history are damned to repeat it. black folks are getting a healthy dose of this...RIGHT NOW. just look and put current events in historical perspective. you can draw many parallels down to the re-emergence of nooses, blackface, and black men and women being back on the auction block; perfect for non-stop financial and sexual exploitation. right now today, the old black men are mindless, sexual, criminal beasts is being played out before our eyes. only now, black men perpetuate the message without realizing the damage they are doing themselves. this is just one example. there are many if one simply pays attention and puts it in its proper historical perspective. in any war, one must know themselves and their enemy if they are to have a snowball’s chance in hell at being victorious. the answers to both are found in…history.

i can agree with the cop-out sentiment. trust, when i see it, i call it. btw, 300k houses are matchboxes where i live:-) oh and i can agree that many black men and black women are not interested to learn how to work together, compromise, cooperate, and make marriage work. it is easier to focus on self. this is happening on both sides of the gender coin today in alarming rates to the detriment of black men, women and children.

Evia, as it relates to singing the praises of white folks, particularly white men. let's be clear, i simply stated that i understood the hostility and resentment. i did not say that i agreed with the sentiments. i understand what you are saying. i agree with a great portion of what you have to say. of course, our agreement is in no ways required. respecting one another is imperative. i prefer to focus on the issues that are of greater importance.

white folks are the world minority. as sisters strive to get ourselves together, the world is at our disposal with greater access than ever before. i am simply saying for sisters to open their eyes to the options offered by the world. brothers are learning spanish, german, japanese and whatever other language they need to learn in order to chase down these women and relate. in fact, i have met brothers that know more about their "adopted" culture than they know about their own. ok, this makes me sick, however, that is my point; broaden your options and horizons sisters. answer the "he only wants to sleep with you" nonsense with the fact that such is definitely the case in most cases with black men. with other men, it seems one has a better chance of proposing marriage, as well as being provided for and protected. other men get that this is the role and responsibility of men.

white men seem to be the (insert the angels singing here______) for your site. at least, it did when i first became aware of you. the tone seems to have changed recently. when it comes to interracial dating the options are greater than white. i know you have heard this before. so again, i understand the hostility/resentment. black women married to white men slamming black men resonate the same way that black men with non black women slamming black women do---not well.

i, like you, do not believe that white folks are deities. i do not now, nor have i ever prayed to white folks. a lot of black folks do. add a bunch of miseducation to the mix and you have a bunch of black folks abdicating their God given power to function as whole, self determined, human beings on this planet. praying they don’t offend white folks by telling the…truth.

through it all, urging black women to marry the descendents of their enslavers seems more an insult to our history and our ancestors than anything else. of course, not all white folks were enslavers. (i hate the slave “owner” talk. people cannot “own” other people. they can only brutally enslave them) i would hope the non enslavers are the ones black women will seek out. in an era of mandatory background checks (which i highly recommend for sisters and women in general) figuring out who is who is crucial. aren’t there european nations that did not engage in the slave trade? why not advocate moving there? …i’m just saying…

the white folks we see walking around today are the descendents of the crackers we read about from days of old. only black folks would dare to forget this truth. so...i urge black folks to go in search of the jews for german love sites, or the armenians and turks swirl sites, or…you get my point. i would dare say, you won't find them. self respect prohibits them. self respecting people don't do certain things. that was my point when i mentioned the direct correlation between white folks and the mess we see today. the government in this country is run by...white men. the assault on our black women image is run by...white men. hell, if white men would tell black men that black women were in fact beautiful, desirable, feminine, virtuous and all they say about white women and then some; guess what, black men would...believe them and act accordingly. sad. but true. so let us not say it is the “government” or act as if the collective isn’t comprised of individuals. we all know better. folks’ thoughts, right now today, are being directly impacted by white folks.

i would hope that individual white man would also stand with his black queen and assist her in her efforts to be a whole human being, first class citizen, as well as be willing to address white supremacy in the circles he would travel as a white man. self respect would mandate such an expectation as far as i can see. i don't see this with the relationships that i have seen though. i see sisters doing exactly what brothers are doing, trying to escape the issues. black folks can't afford to do this.

but then there are black folks that get rosy and warm at the sight of the confederate flag...of course marrying a closet klansman would make sense in that instance. one can be a racist and date and marry interracially. he can be a racist and still be very nice to an individual black woman as an individual white man. he can qualify by what he has to offer in the "big picture". to not address this seems to be setting sisters up for a fall of a different kind. brothers would do well to learn this as well. they are mating and procreating with closet klanswomen as if they had no clue. hello?!

thanks for visiting and for the exchange Evia. you are always welcome here.


focusedpurpose said...


welcome and thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

know that you are always welcome to come by and weigh in.


focusedpurpose said...


p.s., i have been called racist and then some.


clues are not that hard to find. i am telling the truth as long as i have breath in my body!


Khadija said...


It's good to hear that you didn't intend any scolding. It's good that you clarified that. I don't care what you think or have chosen to imagine about me. I DO care about being supportive of my sisters. And discouraging anybody from any behavior that resembles kicking them at vulnerable times. Oh yes, I'm willing to get confrontational in defense of Black women & girls. Somebody has to.

It's been amusing to watch any Black woman who calls BS on BS-behavior being described as "bitter & scorned." "Cyber-harpy" is another term I've seen thrown around. Please feel free to throw that label my way too. It's cool. It shows that I'm in good company [with Gina of What About Our Daughters, & other defenders of Black women].


focusedpurpose said...


welcome sis! your list is spot on. especially #1 and # 3. many black men and women believe, because they see it on t.v. and in print, so by God it must be so; no other man other than black would find a black woman desirable. what a crock! thank you for making this much needed point. i love your examples of beautiful black women. thanks for sharing:-)

amen, amen, amen to number 4! black women must learn to put themselves before other folks and their needs. we cannot take care of anyone if we don't take care of ourselves first.

black women belong to black women. blessed is the man that finds a good one of us to stand with him. it is good to know that he does not have to be a black american. options!

i must say that i don't agree that the black community is dead. i can agree that it is dying. which is why i have felt so strong about doing all within my power to make it better.

i agree, black women cannot save black folks by ourselves. nor should we even try. we are fighting against white folks, ignorant, self hating black folks, immigrants, etc. women throughout history have always functioned as support for their men. for this reason, i have decided that when black men show up and clock in, i will get busy on behalf of us all. in the interim, my focus is women and girls. even the teenage males are dangerous because of their non-stop garbage consumption, e.g., rap music, porn, negative images, t.v., etc. i am blown away by the brazened teenage rapists/torturers of grown women.

as i type i can hear the pinheads say it is the fault of the mothers. if your children grow up to be monsters---the PARENTS---should look at their contribution to the problem. oh, that's right, dad supplied the sperm and peaced out more often than not. yes, i know, he had a reason. none of it is acceptable.

black men and women are failing each other. black men and women are failing black children. black men women and children are failing. who has time to quibble about "fault"?


focusedpurpose said...


thanks for the love sis. you cracked me up with the just keep living comment. my mother used to tell me this all the time when i was spurting words of wisdom all over the place, having been on the earth all of fifteen to twenty years; leading a sheltered existence at that! it cracks me up! pulling rank Khadija, that ain't right:-)

Tasha- yes sis, keep paying attention to our brothers' behavior. at some point getting over it is the best you can do for yourself. we will have no choice but to join our brothers, that LOVE black women yet date and marry non-black women.

thanks for weighing in.

blessings sis,

focusedpurpose said...

hi Ana-

yes, the clown with the awful voice does hit below the belt. that is the point. he is trying to do damage. he is not alone. i have found when dealing with these types, stilling and steeling myself, strengthens me and allows me to cut through the muck and dumb_ucks with precision. i don't swap insults with these lost souls. if they are acting a fool and i start acting a fool; there are a lot of people acting a fool. no thank you.

you said:

"Black people survived being kidnapped from Africa, the Middle Passage , the atrocities during the long period of slavery,isolation,segregation,
discrimination,hatred, neglect and every human abuse in the book."

in the midst of all of this, we had each other. we don't have that now it seems. we hate ourselves more than our historical enemies ever could. we are doing more damage to our collective than anyone else ever would.

no, despite being a woman of faith, i do not believe that this will just get better. i believe we all must get real and go to work, where we are, to make a difference. right now, those that are the best educated, most resourced, and best able to do the most will tell you in a heart-beat that something is not their job, not their problem, and that they got theirs and everyone else must get their own.

when there are internal and external forces working viciously against us---do the math.

even as i say this, i pray we will turn around and go in the right direction soon. i believe we have the power to do this.

blessings sis,

focusedpurpose said...


wasn't ninevah the city that was so displeasing to God that he smite it from the face of the earth? the destruction so total and complete that there only ruins proof of its existence today?

i don't for a moment think that black folks are powerless. i do think that we refuse to harness our power, collectively, and work together to advance ourselves and our people.

i do believe that we insist on seeing ourselves and relating to each other as if we are looking at ourselves through the eyes of our enemies.

i have the faith that we can turn this around. faith, however, without works is dead. black women cannot do this alone sis. that is all i am saying. exercising options will afford us greater resources.

thanks for the exchange sis,

focusedpurpose said...


welcome sis:-) i really love your cyber voice. i find it is like a balm.

thank you for your kind words. yes, it has taken me awhile to be able to say the obvious. i have fought it long, stubbornly, and hard.

i am definitely doing my part to raise a conscious, decent, honorable, man of character. i will also continue to work diligently to impact the lives of black women and girls.

alas, i have reached the place where i can see and say, it is what it is. i want black women to progress. i want us to live and enjoy our lives here on earth. i want us to know love, protection, provision and companionship.

i stand in agreement with you and the black woman's agenda. i am committed for the long haul.


focusedpurpose said...

hi Erica-

welcome sis. thanks for stopping in and your kind words of encouragement.

you said:

"For some reason i think the difference in treatment of black women and women of other races has much to do with the idea of femininity being only attached to the latter. White women (and indian and asian and hispanic women) are also portrayed as more feminine because they seem to be better at being quiet, submissive, and obedient."

it only seems that way. for those of us that have been around other nationalities of women, we know this is not the case. all asians, for example, are not smart, docile, beautiful, feminine and submissive. anyone selling that crock either has not spent any amount of time around them or has no respect for the truth. these are lies that are perpetuated by the powers that be. how can other women be more feminine than the first most emulated women? i reject it as the lie from the pit of hell that it is.

by the same token there are women of all nationalities that embody the negative qualities attributed to black women. not all black women are this way---there are some and i find myself physically cringing in their presence.

i have long taken issue with the notion that a woman must "let" a man be a man. men are just men. women are just women. no one will "let" or prevent you from being anything you decide for yourself to be. they don't have the power.

black women and men for that matter remain at the bottom of the social rung because we refuse to work together, collectively, to uplift ourselves. as long as we decide to run from the issues, they will not get any better. in the interim, i still believe black women should explore ALL of our options. other men have worked diligently and elevated their women and themselves to higher levels. i have decided to change the way i see black men dating and mating out. i have been looking at it all wrong:-)

i will check out your blog sis. thanks for the invite.


focusedpurpose said...

hi Anonymous June 16, 2008 4:58 PM-

you asked:

" how can you call yourself a strong woman if you are giving up?"

i am a strong woman. emphasis on woman. i am also a great fan of the serenity prayer:

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things i cannot change;
courage to change the things i can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

here is what's so... long as black men are not interested in standing and doing their part to make this crisis better; my woman efforts will be an exercise in futility.

as long as black men are free with impunity to molest, rape, batter, abuse and murder black women and girls---there is no point to my fighting on their behalf. i will instead take my energies and re-direct it on behalf of black women and girls.

i have tried to be clear. i do not care who has a problem with this course of action. male or female. there are plenty folks fighting on behalf of black men. black women and girls...not so much.

i am accepting the fact that brothers don't care in large numbers about black women and children. those that do, don't care enough to do anything that will impact their personal comfort. i accept it and i realize it is not within my power to change it so they will have enough love for themselves and care in words and deeds.

at no time did i say that i don't care about the future and survival of black folks. i cannot divorce myself from my beliefs and convictions. i will not offer myself up as a human sacrifice however. i will work for and support those that work for and support me. i am not one of those sisters that just give and give and give and give. nope, not anymore. i don't like being used. it is not why i was created. i am being lady like right now; please know i could really drive this point home with expletives round about now.

so, at no time did i ever suggest that i no longer love black folks. at no time have i ever said that i was looking to be popular and run with the in-crowd. such has not ever been the case in my journey, not even in childhood.

this statement i found mildly annoying:

"But giving in because everyone else does makes you no better than the rest."

though you say you are not trying to change my mind---it seems that you are. who would i be trying to be better than? there is no competition. i want only for there to be mutual love, acceptance, respect, support, compromise, cooperation, protection and provision among black men and women. such is not the case and has not been the case in a very very long time. again, i say enough and it really doesn't matter to me what other people think about it. at all. period.

even as i give myself permission to say what i have felt in my heart for awhile now; there are black women celebrating the acquittal of pedophile r. pissy. there will be other women that will run to love and support other black men that are their enemies. they will continue to grade on a curve and pretend he is less an enemy because of his melanin. i do not believe this does anything for the black collective. it is good for no one; not the women or the men frankly. no thank you, i am good with that nonsense.

i will instead focus my energy on getting black women and girls to act in their best interests at all times. brothers don't need my assistance in this area. THEY ALREADY ARE LOOKING OUT FOR THEIR BEST INTERESTS AT ALL TIMES!!! EVEN WHEN IT IS TO THE DETRIMENT OF THEIR WOMEN AND CHILDREN. so I AM NOT SORRY. AT ALL.

if that makes me no better than the rest, oh well. alas, i am no better than the rest.

ok. i am still not sorry.

p.s. the moors were not sellouts. they were idiots. collectively black folks in this nation are behaving like idiots. if i were a white supremacists, this idiotic shit would be hysterically funny! since i am not, it is not and i am looking for ways to effect change in my lifetime while simultaneously extracting some joy, peace, love and happiness in my journey.

thanks for weighing in Anonymous. you are welcome any time.


focusedpurpose said...

Anonymous @ June 16, 2008 11:51 PM-

hi and welcome.

i am not sure how to take your question.

i will point you to american history and suggest that you get caught up on your reading. then you will need to learn about mentacide. after that, you may be able to understand why black folks are our own worst enemies at this point. you will also find that if you dig deep enough there are white folks at the root of the problem, fanning the flames, while swearing they didn't start the fire; in america and around the world.

that my friend is the best i can do to help you get a clue/answers. hope that helps. thanks for visiting.


focusedpurpose said...


hi:-) thanks for having my back. good looking out sis. i stand in solidarity with you.

Anon- so listen, when you come to my house, be respectful. i haven't had occasion to delete comments, i would not like to start doing that now.

i re-read your comment and you did come across as being more concerned for black men having the support of black women than you were with black women having the love and support of black men.

the good news is---you don't know me. i am fully committed to living fully, and moving forward powerfully. i am not moved by public opinion when i know that i know what is the best course for me in my journey. i fully expect for people to try to whip me back into stand down to the almighty black man mode. i am perfectly well prepared to shut that nonsense down and move on.

when black women have the courage to call the bullshit for what it is the first thing people (men and women) will do is start labelling them "bitter" "angry" or some other negative term. here is what you should know. I DON'T CARE. i am happy to see that Khadija doesn't either.

btw, anger is just as valid an emotion as love. anger in the face of injustice is quite frankly...human. only black folks are admonished to not feel that very human emotion. i reject this nonsense and urge all peddling it to keep it. i don’t want it and am not buying it.

i can appreciate that you came off differently than you intended. no worries. however, you should know that if you present yourself in a certain manner, others will respond accordingly; expect it.

having said that, know you are welcome anytime. just come respectfully please.


Khadija said...


You are very welcome! Personally, I'm tickled by the term "cyber-harpy." LOL! At least it's creative. "Bitter" and "scorned" are just so. . . passe.

Anyway, that's an extremely FOUL tale that you were brave enough to share. I'm annoyed that I'm no longer surprised when I hear things like that. I have also noticed the correlation between Afrocentric talk/gear & an insatiable desire for non-Black women. And the bar is drastically lowered for non-Black women. I learned this in high school, while riding the bus home everyday with legions of obese, sloppy, no-working White women who were picking up their half-Black children from school & going to their homes in the Black community.

Like I said earlier, do whatever you have to do in order to move forward in a way that's best for you. {sending a burst of love & support your way}

Peace, blessings & solidarity.

focusedpurpose said...


guuurl you don't even know! foul is an understatement.

i have a lot of inner/outer work to do in every effort to restore order to my life and my son's. working steadily and introspection allows me to heal. i have been shutting out a lot of noise so that i can truly take the nuggets that this experience left with me.

on the other side i know there is a testimony and greater wisdom. there is a gift to be shared with other women. i am really drawn to younger women these days. i see all that transpires as foundation and support for my ministry to black women and girls.

i have a picture of a little black girl with nappy wooley glorious hair on my desktop. i am motivated to make a difference by looking at her picture each day.

oddly enough, i feel stronger and more motivated than ever by the recent turn of events in my life. my best girlfriend keeps asking if i would like to break down? uh, no! lol! for what? HE should be breaking down; not me!

i talk to his standby woman---i am not mad at her; she wasn't committed to me--- and still have a relationship with his children. i love children and have two extra ones without the additional stretchmarks:-) in fact, i love his children and will continue to give them that love freely despite their father. it is really all good. it's also matter how deep the hole, one can never really bury the truth! this is why i am such a fan of the truth.

ok, lots of business on tap for the day. gotta run. i cannot get lost in cyberspace today:-)

blessings sis,

Anonymous said...

where do i go from here?
christian. single father.
8 year old in he bed, sleeping as i type this.
need i say i am black?
your post is heady: black men don't belong to black women....
three lifetimes later, i know that we all seek happines. and that, ten, twelve years from now, i'll reap what I have sown.
i feel your pain. i sit on the other side, of having a marriage crumble n the middle of post grad. worked to put another thru ug, to have her leave, 2 months after graduation.... and now, at 40, becoming financially sound, again, a year and a half after helping a black woman build her dream.
but i have my daughter, and we don't work or go to skool on our birthdays, she gripes when she is tardy for class, and points out that 80% is not good enough in english. i tell her, there is always next term.
who ever she brings home, (after background checks :) will be good enough for me.
we all, do, however tend to look for love in the wrong places.

Anonymous said...

I hope I'm not being too nosey, but am I right in thinking that your husband committed infidelity?

I think it is admirable that you are holding your head up and walking with dignity. So many women end up in this predicament, and they cease to exist and function as healthy beings.

I've never been in love, so I can only imagine how hard it is to go through heartbreak. I feel for you.

I wish you much love and I hope that you will find the happiness and love that you rightly deserve.

I like your blog alot, and I enjoy reading your views. As well as other bloggers such as Khadija, Shecodes etc etc.

I don't have much of a relationship with my own mother, since she spends most of her time 'out of it' so to speak. So I try to learn from my elders and soak up what I read on your blogs.

You all seem so wise, focused and in touch with who you really are. I hope as I mature and grow older, that I could say the same about myself.

In regards to this post, I will say that I am glad that more Black women are looking out for self. We have to, otherwise we are facing the path of destruction.

Evia said...

Focused, thanks for the welcome.

i don't know that i agree that you are further along in your awareness. how would one gauge that? i have not begun to write my thoughts in a way that you, or anyone, could read and know where i am in my journey.

Focused, you “appear” to be grieving the loss of the “dream” of a surviving, thriving black community in the U.S.? That's how I interpreted the gist of some of your words. I could be wrong about that and if so, pls forgive me. Most conscious and realistic blacks can’t help but see the dream fading away fast and some are in a stage of disbelief or are grief-stricken. So what I meant is that I am further along in the grieving process if we look at the fairly simplistic stages outlined by Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I can think of a few other stages, but this model will do for now. I reached the end of that process or those stages years ago because I watched and still watch those 'indicators' that I spoke of above. I have already ACCEPTED the inevitable, that without monumental (and some of it may be very unpleasant for black folks) intervention, this “ship” will continue to sink. That’s why I urge bw to get off the ship.

See, most black people who continue to say they believe the black community will survive are not basing it on indicators or anything like that; they're merely engaging in magical thinking.

I think that some blacks have a more selfish motive. They keep going around in circles on this because they are simply trying to keep other blacks on the ship until they (the first group) can get off. LOL! I simply don’t choose to continue going around in circles or be involved in duping sistas. Without large numbers of healthier, productive men who are ready and committed to replacing words with ACTIONS, the ship (black community) will continue to sink. Begging and bargaining with bm to 'come back home' is not going to work. That's a losing strategy. If they were healthy, they would already be at home and they would know or be actively learning what to do because they would have made it their business to learn and to teach each other instead of constantly blaming de evil wm and bw for all what ails the bc. De evil wm is not driving bm away from bw and black children these days as so many bm would like for the world to believe. I'm convinced that the bulk of bm leave because they are NOT committed to bw and black children, but they know they would look terrible if they said that, so to save face they have begun more and more to label bw as loudmouthed, aggressive, masculine witches. That's the simple fact. But bw do not need uncommitted bm around them. There are plenty of other men in the world who would commit to bw IF bw sent out the green light and stop focusing on bm. We know that bw have much to offer because that's why the bc and bm continue to try to keep us under control, so why not offer it to men who are willing to SHOW they appreciate it? Period. I think SOME bw do need to work on "re-packaging" themselves to appeal more to ALL men in the global village because most sistas are used to only dealing with bm.

Black women must stop subscribing to delusions. This is why I say what I say in an unabashed and unapologetic manner. I certainly want the un-sugarcoated and short version of reality presented to me when time is of the essence and my survival is on the line. I know some other women appreciate the unvarnished version too. Naturally, anyone can and do disagree with me, but it won't alter me saying what I see and believe.

I will respond to other points you made a bit later.


black yoda said...

There seems to be a lot of "hurt" and "pain" in your blog. I'm sorry for that. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. I would make a point or two here. While you do not say that all black men are bad, you do say that we, in large numbers or collectively, seem to be doing a lot of bad I like to point out that if we accept this as being true, it reflects as badly on black women as it does on black men. After all, who raised all these black males who don't care, respect or love black women? More times than not, it is black women who raised them. It's always tough for me to make that point because I usually get comments like, "What about the fathers and their responisibility?" "Why are you absolving them of responsibility?"
For anyone thinking that, let me respond by saying that you would have a point if my intentions were to blame black women for our current state, or just to combat the black male bashing that's rife in this blog and some of the subsequent responses. But that's not my intention at all. Im trying to show, albeit indirectly, just how silly this kind of thinking really is.

You have people who claim that black men, by and large, aren't pulling their weight. They'll get a bunch of "Amens" and "Preach ons". Now all I have to say is, "Well, maybe if black women pulled their weight in regard to being better parents, or choosing better mates who would stay around and raise all those wretched black boys we now see on the corner, then we wouldn't have this problem." It's very easy to do and is helps NO ONE! it's ultimately self-defeating.

It seems like this blog originates from a deep sense of hurt and betrayal. It's ok to feel that way because that's how you feel. But once you've gone through that, I'm hoping you'll redouble your efforts to both healing yourself and our community which includes the good brothers and the not so good ones too. I've known my share of both. If not, I hope that anyone who adheres to this unfortunate line of thinking will eventually be honest with themselves. If you want to broaden your dating options, then do it because your curious, or you just want to try something different, or because you're hurt and you don't care about being irrational. Don't use your feelings of hurt and insecurity as a justification to lash out at black men. And don't think I'm any less forthright when it comes to black men. I know black men who date exclusively outside their ethnic group because black women are too (insert b.s. here) If you wanna date exclusively outside your race because been brainwashed, or you just happen to never ever ever be attracted to any woman who is less than ten shades lighter than you(lol), then fine. Do what makes you happy. All I can say is just try looking at yourself in the mirror from time to time and think. But stop trying to feed me your terrible excuses as to why you prefer non-Black women. The excuses sound terrible no matter who they come from.

Ultimately, I think the black community will be saved. To be sure, we have a lot of damgaed people: men and women. It's going to take a lot of time and understanding, but it can be done. I've seen enough examples to know it's possible. All we have to do is go to work. We can do it!


B.Yoda :)

Ana said...

When I referred to Nineveh, I was speaking of the book of Jonah.

I will be honest,I believe people can control their own destiny in an advanced and industrialized country like this one.

I am from an immigrant community where the family is stiil considered sacred, and old time values are still practiced.

It is impossible for me to have a fatalistic worldview.

I have faith that with God's help I am the master of my own destiny.Another thing, black women should not be the sacrificial lamb of the black community.

I tell Afro Latinas living in the United States to be very selective when they are choosing mates. Since they are already living outside of their country, the race of their mate should not be a factor.

Panamanians tell their daughters, "Si el Chino te adora y te trata bien, cásate con el."(If the Chinese man cares for you and treats you well, marry him).

One other thing, we lead by our actions.We do have power, but there is not enough will to do anything.Many have not even recognized that they have power, because there is the "victim mentality" that clouds their outlook.

One last thing, I am glad my Panamanian compatriot, Angela Brown who was raised here in the States understood that she had an allegiance to herself first when falling in love.Her marriage to Prince Maximilian of Liechtenstein, a fairy tale story indeed, led her to become a princess of a royal reigning family.

I believe this is the time to cast away all backward ideas and work diligently together for our community. Only then,with God's help, we can go boldly into the future.

Cordiales Saludos,

Ana said...


Just remember,what is within you is much stronger and precious than what is around you.

Your indomitable spirit is tall and bold, like an elegant cathedral let it soar towards infinity.


Evia said...

Focused, I'd told you I would finish responding to some points of your response to me last week, so this is a continuation.

You said:
i do think that we have simply "thrown in the towel" so to speak at different times during our journey.

Well, I have never thrown in the towel. I don’t believe in quitting. I simply don’t see others out there NOW who are willing to do what I know needs to be done. There's no point in trying to do something if you know you don't have the resources at a certain point to succeed. Also, just because I married a wm doesn’t mean I’ve quit trying to promote and protect those people I love. I know that's the binary way that many African Americans look at it, but that's not how I look at it. I am still black. My children are still black. My grandchildren will be black, etc. I love my heritage--no matter what. So a lot depends on how any situation is viewed.

It “seems,” Focused, that you believe that only or mostly dark-skinned people can or would want to fight for justice. I don’t believe that the shade of a person’s skin always determines their desire for justice. Living in an unjust environment clouds the air and causes a permanent stench that a lot of people can smell and it permeates everyone’s life. I do realize how many blacks have been conditioned to EXCLUDE lots of folks as justice-seekers simply because those people have lighter skin and include all people of darker skin simply because they have dark skin. I think many blacks are VERY naive about that.

i see what is unfolding as a part of the plan. the powers that be have always struggled with solutions for the "negro problem". they have even taken the time to write it down in books, government documents, etc.

I can’t say I agree with you about any such “plan.” There's no telling what kind of "plan" racist whites may have talked about over the hundreds of years or written down, but I guess my opinion of the white ability to IMPLEMENT such a plan is not nearly that high. I think that only a deity could make a multi-hundred year plan and implement it as such. Blacks have simply cooperated and made things extremely easy for white racists BECAUSE many blacks have such a low regard for self and for other black people. Now, I know some folks might blame de evil wm for making many blacks devalue their black selves during slavery, but there is no reason why blacks couldn’t mounted a monumental effort prior to now or TODAY to teach themselves to love themselves. Black people have talked about lack of black self-love (black self-hatred) for a LONG time now (according to books I've read), yet barely anyone has seriously addressed it. I've addressed this on my blog by trying to teach black women to love themselves in all of their glorious skin shades, hair textures, etc. But are there classes at HBCUs that teach black self-love? Do they offer degrees at any of them in that area? Not "black studies," but black self-love because they are very different in lots of cases. My husband has pointed out, for ex. that “black men should and could teach themselves to love black women.” Maybe my husband thinks that because he finds black women to be very lovable. LOL!

My ex-husband, the Nigerian, wondered why more American blacks by the hundreds of thousands haven’t come to Africa since the civil rights movement to reclaim POSITIVE African cultural ways that could be transferable to this country to help them in their families and communities. I've met many African immigrants here who've asked me why more blacks here don't try to learn an African language? There really is no GOOD reason why black Americans didn’t do that or don't do that, and there is no really GOOD reason why black men don’t have thousands of classes/workshops/seminars/ conferences, etc. going on throughout this country in every city RIGHT NOW to teach black men how to love, respect, and appreciate the desirability of black women and how to be good fathers.

I'll address some of your other points and questions in a couple of days. The internet is very slow here for some reason. said...

Hey Focused Purpose!

You are right and I will repeat that over and over again... black men DO NOT belong to black women.

When you said that at another blog, I said 'amen' and I still say 'amen'!

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!

Latasha said...

(Warning...this will be long)

first, let me begin by saying that for those of us who can NOT wait for Khadija to start her own blog -do like i did- copy and paste her comments into a word document and save it under her name.

now let me explain to you how things always work out for me. sometime last week a blogger who I subscribe to, wrote something that did not feel right to my spirit
(and had given me these same feelings before) so I decided that I would avoid the blog from that moment on. well, yesterday my spirit kept prompting me to have another look at that particular blog and when i did I came across Khadija comments. without going into too many details, she articulated exactly what was on my mind.

but, as i read more of her comments I started crying. In fact, I cried twice yesterday and once today I was soo touched.

never have i met or read about someone who treasured the legacy our ancestors left behind for us and at the same thought it was time for black woman to start widening her dating pool. NEVER! I was completely taken aback. It did numbers in my head and that was the first time i cried.

as i said, i tried to find every blog on this particular site that she commented I followed her trail.

and then she made me appreciate my husband even more than i already do, and that's not easy because i have promised him my heart. I am indebted to this man. with that being said, he is a Black MAN. I do not work. I have never been asked to, have never felt obligated, have never felt guilty for not being employed. We have three children and he is the sole provider for our family. In fact, he doesn't take pride as much as HE believes this is what every black woman deserves. I am loved, my soul and spirit are nourished. He plants seeds in my mind, he waters them, gives them sunlight and has no problem being my shade when the world becomes HOT -as it does a lot of the time. He keeps me mentally stimulated and sexually fulfilled. I have a perfect marriage to a black man. When I read Khadija comments about how many old school black men wanted to be the sole provider for his home. He wanted his wife to rest her feet, he wanted to ease her burdens, he wanted to give her the same things the woman she worked for had (and more), the best in the world, I cried again. I have that in my home. I love my man.

one of the reasons Khadija appealed to my inner spirit is because she understood AA. She did not deny or minimize-like i hear so many other black woman who support IRR do, the significant role white people have played in the down fall of blacks. There was no denial in her. I don't think I've ever heard someone of her caliber speak on this issue before. To be aware of how extraordinary old-school black men and women were, and at the same time be concerned with her fellow sisters emotional stability, happiness and "smile" floored me. She has the spirit of an elder inside of her.

How she went about proving her case to me was simply by acknowledging that we black women are ENTITLED to be treated as the great beings that we are. And if that doesn't ring true to us, then just treat people like they treat you. Damn! It doesn't get any simpler than that for me. We are entitled to have what we put out reciprocated. And if we can not get this kind of treatment from a black man than we must start looking other places. I agree. And that IS fair. A black woman has no business supporting and backing "those" black men who take, take and then take some more.

You know why this sits well with me? Because she acknowledges that there are black men out here who are very deserving of our support.

something else...i also see IRR in a different light. i was not always in support of IRR because everyone else spoke with a "white it right" undertone. but, yesterday i saw myself in some of those woman who as young lady could not turn the head of some of the black men she was interested in. I also see my daughter in some of those woman. she's experiencing something similar.

one last thing, I declared to myself today that I will only support the man or woman who supports me. I choice not to deal with anyone else and I also accept the responsibility of whatever comes with that choice. I will explain what this means to both my daughters and have them declare the same thing, and carry it out, as well. right now they are in school.

you know, i don't know all of the ways your comments and posts are going to effect me. it could be two weeks out and something else clicks. this was not a by chance experience for me. it was more or so, a life changing one.

Thank you.

i write this to you from my soul's purest place,


focusedpurpose said...

hi there-

Evia, Blackyoda, Latasha and all---please forgive the silence. i have been probably doing a little too much:-)

i will come back soon to dialogue with you all. thank you for stopping in and sharing your thoughts. know that you are welcome at any time.


focusedpurpose said...

ok, so i sat down fully intending to pick up the conversation from oh, THREE months ago. i can't do it. my head will explode. instead, let me do this...

welcome to my new visitors. Anon 1 and 2 you are welcome to come back at any time.

Black Yoda, you not so much until you grow up and work on your reading comprehension. i lack the energy you require. go back and re-read the post and comments. should you still walk away with "black man bashing" know that life is about choices. God doesn't wrench your choices from you and i won't try.

i will say that it was an impulse to "go there" with you BY. i am daily challenging my natural inclination to respond in the first way that hits me. i won't bother. i doubt it will make a difference. though, after thought i will say that a great many black males have become accustomed to being treated with greater consideration than little black girls. everything said must be carefully worded so as to not hurt these males' feelings or be perceived as "bashing". truly it seems unless it is a conversation about, most are not prepared to be "grown". disappointing. predictable. a problem. i will not shoulder it. k? thanks. respectfully.

Evia, i respect you. we don't agree on all things and that is fine. i don't think that dark skin=thirst for justice. not at all. such unreal thinking would put me in harm's way all day. i do reserve the right to speak to the issues that directly impact dark skinned women and girls. it seems when i do people want to talk about "all the colors" that black folks come in, while ignoring all the colors the rest of the time. you tackle hueism head on. i do as well. lovers of justice, truth and humanity come in ALL colors. i have lived long enough to know this with certainty. be clear on this. i am sis.

as for your:

"I can’t say I agree with you about any such “plan.” There's no telling what kind of "plan" racist whites may have talked about over the hundreds of years or written down, but I guess my opinion of the white ability to IMPLEMENT such a plan is not nearly that high. I think that only a deity could make a multi-hundred year plan and implement it as such."

let me just say this...

...i give props where they are due. white folks are always planning, strategizing, and working diligently to keep the power, privilege and top of the heap on lock. it has nothing to do with being deities. it has more to do with working together, despite petty differences,lying, stealing, cheating, murdering, raping, pillaging, employing mad scientists, etc. all for the accomplishment of the end objective.

so, the wansee (sp?:-) convention is a prime example of this. check it out. these people planned, met, ironed out the details, and set in motion the extermination of six million jews and five million other "undesirables". (no one wants to talk about the other five million that perished on the regular! respect for humanity mandates i speak to their existence and demise) and before you poo poo what i am saying, i would suggest you research it a little deeper and then look around. only black folks act without a plan it seems. or act on plans set forth by others which work against our best interests, like...integration. we bear the fruit of such folly.

again, white folks are not deities to me. at all. they are merely diligent focused people that apply their education and resources for the best interest of their people. black folks do the exact opposite. it ain't rocket science or affording any group "deity" status.

you said:

"I know some folks might blame de evil wm for making many blacks devalue their black selves during slavery, but there is no reason why blacks couldn’t mounted a monumental effort prior to now or TODAY to teach themselves to love themselves."

respectfully, this statement applies no historical perspective whatsoever. so, Evia, if you sustained extended trauma, persecution and violence, wouldn't you need a period of recovery? notice that when white kids shoot up the schools, the first item on the agenda is counselling.

black folks have/are sustaining extended trauma, persecution, and violence. there has been no healing period nor reprieve. to say that most are out of our right minds, would be an understatement. throw some mentacide in there with a nice dollup of irresponsibility and voila! let us not in our swirl fever forget to apply truth, logic, reason, and historical perspective. please. i won't co-sign it.

you asked:

"are there classes at HBCUs that teach black self-love?"

not trying to be funny here. you clearly do NOT know the history of HBCUs nor their purpose.

as much as black folks LOVE to pretend history is irrelevant; IT IS NOT.

you said:

" My husband has pointed out, for ex. that “black men should and could teach themselves to love black women.”

your husband is right, yet does not take into consideration that most black folks in general struggle in vain to hold their black selves to a white standard. it has been white folks (men and women) that have decided that black women are less than. black men (and women) have merely agreed.

i predict that as black men notice the hot pursuit of asian women by white men, they will follow suit. black men (and i use men loosely) are in this mad dog quest to prove that they are "as good" or "equal" to white men. stupid. nevertheless the truth. both black men and women excuse the inexcusable because "white folks do it all the time". our refusal to collectively love, respect,and accept ourselves is truly up to us to remedy. on this point i agree. it is no different than quite a few blacks' disrespect of africa while you can't beat white folks off the continent. we don't respect our blessings. everyone wants to BE us...except us.

you said:

"My ex-husband, the Nigerian, wondered why more American blacks by the hundreds of thousands haven’t come to Africa since the civil rights movement to reclaim POSITIVE African cultural ways that could be transferable to this country to help them in their families and communities."

let him know that many have. he won't see them on t.v. though.

when you get a chance, ask your Nigerian husband why africans don't declare and learn to speak one official language so they can unite on the continent? this has long been my big question. it would prevent africans from being conquered and ruled by a very small number of settlers. we all got problems. no?

ok, done. i am very tired. i ask in advance forgiveness for any typos.

Natasha, sis, welcome. i will come back tomorrow and give you my undivided attention.

blessings all,

focusedpurpose said...

Latasha. ok, going to sleep now. clearly, i need it:-)!


focusedpurpose said...

hi Latasha-

welcome and thanks for your patience.

Khadija. she is truly the bombdotcom! with each syllable she utters i am blessed in knowledge, wisdom, and inspiration.

Latasha, it thrills me to no end that you are blessed with what so many of us have prayed for and sought---the love of a black man as well as a happy healthy family. i pray for your continued happiness and health.

i also pray that one day, i too will know that love. i am happy that i have reached a place where i feel open to love in general. i am sharing this truth with my younger sisters that are already reeling, as young as fourteen and fifteen from the anything but black quest that only liars will deny. as i build them and their self esteem up i truly feel that every lesson has been more than worth it.

my past insistence on love being in black skin has caused me to realize in retrospect to walk decent quality men. if they were not black, i was neither serious nor remotely entertaining any notions or assertions on their part that they were serious. i have, truth be told, done this with quality non black millionaires. i am merely turning away, without apology, from such folly and urging others to do the same. i will no longer bow to pressure from others either.

i love myself and my sisters. i love decent black men. i insist on reciprocity. simple. that's all.

ah... i, too, know a blogger that appears to be one thing, however, some of her words routinely indicate that left field is a comfortable place for her to play at the expense of black women and girls. i no longer comment there, so, it makes my heart sing when Khadija shows up and shares truth in her eloquent sweet way.

yes, i agree that Khadija has a gift of saying exactly what i am thinking at times. it is truly a beautiful ting:-)

it also has me rolling sometimes, especially when the big mouth blogger FINALLY has nothing to say in the face of truth. it never ceases that Khadija will come when a particular post works my nerves and sets the record straight. lol! it is truly classic and hilarious. i think waiting for Khadija to drop the knowledge is worth the price of admission.

sis, know that you are welcome any time. feel free to share your thoughts as they unfold. i welcome you and your thoughts.


focusedpurpose said...


i said:

"my past insistence on love being in black skin has caused me to realize in retrospect to walk decent quality men."

i meant:

my past insistence on love being in black skin has caused me to realize, in retrospect, that i have walked decent quality men.

i hope it came out right that time:-)


Khadija said...

Latasha & FocusedPurpose,

Thank you both sooo much for your kind words and encouragement. I truly appreciate it. But please don't leave yourselves out of the appreciation loop. I learn so much from listening to the thoughts and testimonies of sisters like you two. Thank you both for sharing your voices with me, and everybody else who's listening!

Peace, blessings and solidarity.