i'm never speaking up again...
just one more thing...
why does that crack me up?
the ability to laugh, hard, at the most random thoughts has been my saving grace, lately.
thank you Father.
without a doubt, every little glimmer of Goodness comes from You.
if i could conquer this give Love in the face of no Real Love thingy...
i'd be off to the races!
this song has been in my head a lot in the last few days.
though not sung from my point of view, really.
more of a mixture of how i feel sometimes, at certain parts. it is definitely how someone else should be feeling Right now. though i doubt they will. in all likelihood their position=
it's all Eve!!
it's that woman!!!
i wear my heart on my sleeve!!!
never mind gentleman rules, home training, respect for boundaries, discretion, etc.
i can only own what i own.
despite folk being quick to try to hang all their ish on me.
'cause i am "strong"...
does any body else feel like "oh, no!" when someone calls them this?
experience informs my Belief that whoever says it, is about to try to weigh me down with a whole bunch of junk that i don't want, need, nor own.
then if vehemently rejected...
"attitude" convos ensue.
anything outside of nods and smiles in the face of the utter madness = "bitter"...
hence the resolve to never speak up again.
just dumb, mute, blank stare + blinking.
yep. that's the plan.
surely that can't be mistaken as condescending, patronizing, wicked heart, or any other label folk have attempted to slap on this week alone.
speaking up finds me in trouble...
"it's not what you say, it is how you say it."
not speaking of any one particular soul. be clear. many have made a point of saying this to me or where i can hear...
pure uncut never goes over well it seems.
folk demand a grip of sugar, ish and polietics.
never mind these same ones come...
but then i am "strong"...
no time to go on and on.
speaking up will get you deserted...
with the quickness.
understood + all Good.
now that the random brain drain is done. self therapy.
you know, i've been told to shut everything down.
thought about it + started to do it, too.
then decided, on my terms, would be when it made my list of things to do.
Truth: i write for my life + sanity- what's left anyways:)
if in the process another soul is Blessed...
then all the pressing and stress is worth it.
yes, stress, is a by-product of non stop failed tests.
i could quote some Scripture that states otherwise, but then i already covered the fact that i am failing + getting much wrong.
that said, i turn my attention to the only thing in the world that gives me Peace.
the only thing in the world that feeds my soul.
the only thing in the world that encourages me to be me + free. while the world that doesn't even know me tries to dictate to me, how to be me.
it seems no matter what i am facing...
it has already been faced + written about.
on those days when i feel more tested, pressed and stressed than Blessed- His Word is my Strength + how i keep on.
so, i will be practicing just holding silence.
that i may truly walk as righteous, heart of Yah, King David-whom i Love:)
before my ever present accusers line up to slap me with "hypocrite!" labels...
please know that i know; i fail miserably time and again with verse 1 of the following KJV Psalm:
KJV Psalm 39:1-13
1 I SAID, I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue: I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me.
2 I was dumb with silence, I held my peace, even from good; and my sorrow was stirred.
3 My heart was hot within me, while I was musing the fire burned then spake I with my tongue,
4 Sovereign, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is; that I may know how frail I am.
5 Behold, thou hast made my days as an handbreadth; and mine age is as nothing before thee: verily every man at his best state is altogether vanity. Selah.
6 Surely every man walketh in a vain shew: surely they are disquieted in vain: he heapeth up riches, and knoweth not who shall gather them.
7 And now, Sovereign, what wait I for? my hope is in thee.
8 Deliver me from all my transgressions: make me not the reproach of the foolish.
9 I was dumb, I opened not my mouth; because thou didst it.
10 Remove thy stroke away from me: I am consumed by the blow of thine hand.
11 When thou with rebukes dost correct man for iniquity, thou makest his beauty to consume away like a moth: surely every man is vanity. Selah.
12 Hear my prayer, O Sovereign, and give ear unto my cry; hold not thy peace at my tears: for I am a stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers were.
13 O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go hence, and be no more.
at the end of the day...
come what may...
it is He, alone, i seek to please.
it is my soul's prayer that all souls will know that this is what time it is, for Real, as we head on into...
ONE YAH~ ONE MESSIAH~ ONE WORLD