i listened to the podcast with Gina from what about our daughters? & Shecodes from black women vote! last night.
i have a painful confession to make... i wish i hadn't.
since that spectacle i have felt so sad and wounded. to my very soul. it was my goal and plan to get up today and shake it off. i have not been able to do that, in truth...just yet. i will tell you why.
i like most black women have been conditioned to believe that black men had our backs. despite the bad ones that most of us encounter, as children, before we even leave our house. through it all, i have been able to still love black men. in fact, i have always been acutely aware of how black men must feel in their journeys with all of the pressures of excelling despite the white supremacy/racism, injustice, and odds. it has been my joy to show love, smile, and encourage them in their journeys; whether i knew them or not. in many ways it felt like my God given purpose, responsibility and pleasure.
i have long held the belief that there is nothing like a black man on the planet. i have always appreciated all black men. i have without apology always had a special affinity for those that were black, black, gloriously nappy, dominant, strong, beautiful black.
last night's call took something from me.
despite living in los angeles and seeing, first hand, that most men that look like me can't see me or those like me when blonde/brunette/redhead becky, lolita, ping, or what are you mixed with? enters the room; nevertheless, i have been able to hold the love i feel for black men. i have been able to have compassion for the white is right/non black women supreme message they are bombarded with all day every day. additionally, i think that love has allowed me to exercise options in the man arena. don't trip, i have had lonely nights, though. be clear, my lonely nights have been born of standards. for sure, having a man---all colors---has never been a problem for me. i just always loved black men more.
even as i write, know that i have been blessed to have a black man as my man, like the one that i just described for which i have a great affinity. i am no doubt blessed. even so, something inside of me has shifted. in all honesty it has been shifting for awhile. i fully understand that we are only as strong as our collective. my commitment to black women and children has been strengthened; even as the podcast last night accelerated the internal shift.
i am deeply hurt which turns to outrage to know that for centuries white men have called us whores, bitches, wenches and mocked the very humanity of black women for the whole world to see and ignorantly & lustfully join in. while simultaneously emasculating (literally in quite a few instances) black men. the realization that now, with options and more rights & freedoms than black men in this country have ever known---black men now delight (it seems) in calling us bitches, hos, jump offs, baby mamas (we are good for sex and carrying babies just not wives), pshots, and every other type of denigrating, degrading, debasing, dehumanizing name black men can come up with. it seems becoming indignant at the lack of impunity is the only stance that can be taken. before you ask who is raising these men let me answer---in most instances women that have no idea what the love of a man should feel like! black men are not just abandoning their sons! additionally, black women, too, are getting the same white is right and non black supreme messages all day every day! those that don't agree with this consistent public/private practice of denigrating, debasing and disrespecting black women disagree, for the most part---very privately and quietly!
the naacp trotted out a black woman and a black man to defend their indefensible position on the support of the armed rapists/torturers of a black woman and her manchild. the naacp black woman played the role of the good cop--- she readily admitted she was not making excuses for the media event/position that took place. the naacp black man, who in his right mind would most definitely understand the importance of protecting black women and children; had no problem being abrasive, condescending, dismissive, and overall offensive with the well behaved women that engaged him. black women have been so socialized/conditioned that we actually apologize! for feeling angry with being rendered less than human.
i am most saddened by the fact that i have lived to see the day when the greatest enemy against black women is---black men. this truth has pricked me to my soul. it has rendered me non-productive today. i am conscious of the black women that have stood on the frontlines with black men to secure rights and freedoms only to be rewarded with this treason, disrespect, and in more cases than hits the news---bodily harm and murder. as black women, collectively, we sustain all of this while watching black men worship at the altar of white feminity in their quest to be like white men. as white men switch their worship to the asian woman where do you think the white-like black man stands? try in agreement.
the reality has been pricking my soul for awhile. last night penetrated and made it impossible to ignore that black men have joined (in large, highly visible, very vocal numbers) with white men in declaring black women and children as the throw aways of society. the same black men that will shred a black woman that dares to stand and speak out will not use their voice to adjust black men that are functioning as the enemy to the black collective.
if you destroy the hearts, souls, and minds of the women and children of a society---you have destroyed in fact that people. wise, men of God, know this. for this reason, self respecting men die to protect their women and children. in doing so they also garner...respect. it really is all related!
i have to be silent until i can speak/write with clarity. i understand that words are powerful and i hold myself responsible to build up not tear down.
all black folks would do well, in the interim to study the history of argentina. we are well on our way folks...
SELF LOVE~SELF ACCEPTANCE~SELF RESPECT