...moving forward...powerfully

it has been a minute since i last wrote...anything.

E, thank you for your patience with the piece i was to submit! i will get it to you this week without fail, sis. promise.

you know, sometimes when people think you are strong, they take liberties that have the ability to shake you to your core.

re-reading the words---all i can say is that these words don't fully convey the extent of the foundation shaking. this could be a good thing:-)

when i was younger, i would accompany my mother to the sets and watch the many people that create the fantasy we see on the small and big screens. there was something that struck me then that seems relevant now:

when the scene is set and the props arranged just so, as soon as the scene has been shot to satisfaction, other people rush out and move it all around. they take away some props and add others. i remember being in awe, considering how real it all felt at one point.

such is the case, it seems to me, in real life. sometimes, without the benefit of hearing it's a wrap, great job! and that bell like sound; the props (people and things) get re-arranged.

i find it unsettling.

i find it exceedingly difficult to function when i feel unsettled.

i deeply resent people deciding that i am "strong" enough to handle any old thing. especially, when my strength is a substitute for courage, accountability, integrity, strength of character, and responsibility to truthfully communicate; on their part.

this.makes.me.angry.

as i am learning to manage my temper, i am conscious of the need to be angry and quiet until i have a firm handle on my emotions. i have also noticed that some people seem to really believe that black women are built for trauma, disappointment, and heavy burdens. i wholeheartedly reject this and will to the very end!

having said that...and it feels so good to get it out...now let me say this...


i am fully committed to loving fully, giving freely, living well and moving forward... powerfully!



self love~self acceptance~self respect

american blackout

i love spoken word. it is a powerful gift. this brother is one of the most gifted i have yet to encounter. this is the opening piece of american blackout. enjoy. then check out...

...Watch this: American Blackout . Shecodes over @ Black Women Vote! rocks as usual. i greatly admire her. if you haven't visited her house, you don't know what you are missing!

we must all learn the truth and act courageously. Queen McKinney is a great example to follow. if you haven't read AMEN SISTER!!! check out her discussion of race that matters. race neutral? really? america? when? this is what we are up against.

the more you know...


SELF LOVE~SELF ACCEPTANCE~SELF RESPECT

"conspiracy theory"---what exactly does that mean?

in reading i have learned that there are so many examples of the total disregard for human life by americans. of course, america is not alone. however, as an american, i am committed to cleaning my house before i start talking about the dirt in other people's. hypocrisy is ugly to me.

sometimes, i will say certain things and people will get brand new as if there was no history of americans acting devilish and murdering innocent people for financial gain.

why do i mention it?

trust me when i tell you that i am not for a second, holding onto the belief that white folks are going to change or have changed. for those that continue with their "redemption is always possible," i hope as they cling to the notion they are remembering to breathe. if satan's babies weren't getting busy how would we even know the difference between good and evil? i would prefer to share information and encourage black folks to start doing one of the most unpopular, untrendy, least practiced gifts---thinking for oneself. go in search of information for yourself. stop begging to be spoon fed everything you want to know. refuse to be afraid to act in your best interest and the interests of black people at all times. there should be no off days from furthering the black agenda. of course some white folks will remind you that black folks can't be fair and impartial; while maintaining blacks are sensitive when one bothers to mention all the hundreds of years of history that scream white folks have a hard time being human much less fair. ignore them.

today, i was reading a history of secret human experimentations. i feel compelled to share what i have learned. here is a portion of what i learned today:

1931 - Dr. Cornelius Rhoads, under the auspices of the Rockefeller Institute for Medical Investigations, infects human subjects with cancer cells. He later goes on to establish the U.S. Army Biological Warfare facilities in Maryland, Utah, and Panama, and is named to the U.S. Atomic Energy Commission. While there, he begins a series of radiation exposure experiments on American soldiers and civilian hospital patients.

1932 - The Tuskegee Syphilis Study begins. 200 black men diagnosed with syphilis are never told of their illness, are denied treatment, and instead are used as human guinea pigs in order to follow the progression and symptoms of the disease. They all subsequently die from syphilis, their families never told that they could have been treated.

1935 - The Pellagra Incident. After millions of individuals die from Pellagra over a span of two decades, the U.S. Public Health Service finally acts to stem the disease. The director of the agency admits it had known for at least 20 years that Pellagra is caused by a niacin deficiency but failed to act since most of the deaths occured within poverty-striken black populations.

1940 - Four hundred prisoners in Chicago are infected with Malaria in order to study the effects of new and experimental drugs to combat the disease. Nazi doctors later on trial at Nuremberg cite this American study to defend their own actions during the Holocaust.

1942 - Chemical Warfare Services begins mustard gas experiments on approximately 4,000 servicemen. The experiments continue until 1945 and made use of Seventh Day Adventists who chose to become human guinea pigs rather than serve on active duty.

1943 - In response to Japan's full-scale germ warfare program, the U.S. begins research on biological weapons at Fort Detrick, MD.

1944 - U.S. Navy uses human subjects to test gas masks and clothing. Individuals were locked in a gas chamber and exposed to mustard gas and lewisite.

1945 - Project Paperclip is initiated. The U.S. State Department, Army intelligence, and the CIA recruit Nazi scientists and offer them immunity and secret identities in exchange for work on top secret government projects in the United States.

1945 - "Program F" is implemented by the U.S. Atomic Energy Commission (AEC). This is the most extensive U.S. study of the health effects of fluoride, which was the key chemical component in atomic bomb production. One of the most toxic chemicals known to man, fluoride, it is found, causes marked adverse effects to the central nervous system but much of the information is squelched in the name of national security because of fear that lawsuits would undermine full-scale production of atomic bombs.

1946 - Patients in VA hospitals are used as guinea pigs for medical experiments. In order to allay suspicions, the order is given to change the word "experiments" to "investigations" or "observations" whenever reporting a medical study performed in one of the nation's veteran's hospitals.

1947 - Colonel E.E. Kirkpatrick of the U.S. Atomic Energy Comission issues a secret document (Document 07075001, January 8, 1947) stating that the agency will begin administering intravenous doses of radioactive substances to human subjects.

1947 - The CIA begins its study of LSD as a potential weapon for use by American intelligence. Human subjects (both civilian and military) are used with and without their knowledge.

1950 - Department of Defense begins plans to detonate nuclear weapons in desert areas and monitor downwind residents for medical problems and mortality rates.

1950 - I n an experiment to determine how susceptible an American city would be to biological attack, the U.S. Navy sprays a cloud of bacteria from ships over San Franciso. Monitoring devices are situated throughout the city in order to test the extent of infection. Many residents become ill with pneumonia-like symptoms.

1951 - Department of Defense begins open air tests using disease-producing bacteria and viruses. Tests last through 1969 and there is concern that people in the surrounding areas have been exposed.

1953 - U.S. military releases clouds of zinc cadmium sulfide gas over Winnipeg, St. Louis, Minneapolis, Fort Wayne, the Monocacy River Valley in Maryland, and Leesburg, Virginia. Their intent is to determine how efficiently they could disperse chemical agents.

1953 - Joint Army-Navy-CIA experiments are conducted in which tens of thousands of people in New York and San Francisco are exposed to the airborne germs Serratia marcescens and Bacillus glogigii.

1953 - CIA initiates Project MKULTRA. This is an eleven year research program designed to produce and test drugs and biological agents that would be used for mind control and behavior modification. Six of the subprojects involved testing the agents on unwitting human beings.

1955 - The CIA, in an experiment to test its ability to infect human populations with biological agents, releases a bacteria withdrawn from the Army's biological warfare arsenal over Tampa Bay, Fl.

1955 - Army Chemical Corps continues LSD research, studying its potential use as a chemical incapacitating agent. More than 1,000 Americans participate in the tests, which continue until 1958.

1956 - U.S. military releases mosquitoes infected with Yellow Fever over Savannah, Ga and Avon Park, Fl. Following each test, Army agents posing as public health officials test victims for effects.

1958 - LSD is tested on 95 volunteers at the Army's Chemical Warfare Laboratories for its effect on intelligence.

1960 - The Army Assistant Chief-of-Staff for Intelligence (ACSI) authorizes field testing of LSD in Europe and the Far East. Testing of the european population is code named Project THIRD CHANCE; testing of the Asian population is code named Project DERBY HAT.

1965 - Project CIA and Department of Defense begin Project MKSEARCH, a program to develop a capability to manipulate human behavior through the use of mind-altering drugs.

1965 - Prisoners at the Holmesburg State Prison in Philadelphia are subjected to dioxin, the highly toxic chemical component of Agent Orange used in Viet Nam. The men are later studied for development of cancer, which indicates that Agent Orange had been a suspected carcinogen all along.

1966 - CIA initiates Project MKOFTEN, a program to test the toxicological effects of certain drugs on humans and animals.

1966 - U.S. Army dispenses Bacillus subtilis variant niger throughout the New York City subway system. More than a million civilians are exposed when army scientists drop lightbulbs filled with the bacteria onto ventilation grates.

1967 - CIA and Department of Defense implement Project MKNAOMI, successor to MKULTRA and designed to maintain, stockpile and test biological and chemical weapons.

1968 - CIA experiments with the possibility of poisoning drinking water by injecting chemicals into the water supply of the FDA in Washington, D.C.

1969 - Dr. Robert MacMahan of the Department of Defense requests from congress $10 million to develop, within 5 to 10 years, a synthetic biological agent to which no natural immunity exists.

1970 - Funding for the synthetic biological agent is obtained under H.R. 15090. The project, under the supervision of the CIA, is carried out by the Special Operations Division at Fort Detrick, the army's top secret biological weapons facility. Speculation is raised that molecular biology techniques are used to produce AIDS-like retroviruses.

1970 - United States intensifies its development of "ethnic weapons" (Military Review, Nov., 1970), designed to selectively target and eliminate specific ethnic groups who are susceptible due to genetic differences and variations in DNA.

1975 - The virus section of Fort Detrick's Center for Biological Warfare Research is renamed the Fredrick Cancer Research Facilities and placed under the supervision of the National Cancer Institute (NCI) . It is here that a special virus cancer program is initiated by the U.S. Navy, purportedly to develop cancer-causing viruses. It is also here that retrovirologists isolate a virus to which no immunity exists. It is later named HTLV (Human T-cell Leukemia Virus).

1977 - Senate hearings on Health and Scientific Research confirm that 239 populated areas had been contaminated with biological agents between 1949 and 1969. Some of the areas included San Francisco, Washington, D.C., Key West, Panama City, Minneapolis, and St. Louis.

1978 - Experimental Hepatitis B vaccine trials, conducted by the CDC, begin in New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco. Ads for research subjects specifically ask for promiscuous homosexual men.

1981 - First cases of AIDS are confirmed in homosexual men in New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco, triggering speculation that AIDS may have been introduced via the Hepatitis B vaccine

1985 - According to the journal Science (227:173-177), HTLV and VISNA, a fatal sheep virus, are very similar, indicating a close taxonomic and evolutionary relationship.

1986 - According to the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (83:4007-4011), HIV and VISNA are highly similar and share all structural elements, except for a small segment which is nearly identical to HTLV. This leads to speculation that HTLV and VISNA may have been linked to produce a new retrovirus to which no natural immunity exists.

1986 - A report to Congress reveals that the U.S. Government's current generation of biological agents includes: modified viruses, naturally occurring toxins, and agents that are altered through genetic engineering to change immunological character and prevent treatment by all existing vaccines.

1987 - Department of Defense admits that, despite a treaty banning research and development of biological agents, it continues to operate research facilities at 127 facilities and universities around the nation.

1990 - More than 1500 six-month old black and hispanic babies in Los Angeles are given an "experimental" measles vaccine that had never been licensed for use in the United States. CDC later admits that parents were never informed that the vaccine being injected to their children was experimental.

1994 - With a technique called "gene tracking," Dr. Garth Nicolson at the MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, TX discovers that many returning Desert Storm veterans are infected with an altered strain of Mycoplasma incognitus, a microbe commonly used in the production of biological weapons. Incorporated into its molecular structure is 40 percent of the HIV protein coat, indicating that it had been man-made.

1994 - Senator John D. Rockefeller issues a report revealing that for at least 50 years the Department of Defense has used hundreds of thousands of military personnel in human experiments and for intentional exposure to dangerous substances. Materials included mustard and nerve gas, ionizing radiation, psychochemicals, hallucinogens, and drugs used during the Gulf War .

1995 - U.S. Government admits that it had offered Japanese war criminals and scientists who had performed human medical experiments salaries and immunity from prosecution in exchange for data on biological warfare research.

1995 - Dr. Garth Nicolson, uncovers evidence that the biological agents used during the Gulf War had been manufactured in Houston, TX and Boca Raton, Fl and tested on prisoners in the Texas Department of Corrections.

On the 3rd October 1995, President Clinton publicly apologized to the thousands of people who became victims of MK ULTRA and other mind-control experimental programs.

1996 - Department of Defense admits that Desert Storm soldiers were exposed to chemical agents.

1997 - Eighty-eight members of Congress sign a letter demanding an investigation into bioweapons use & Gulf War Syndrome.

you can check out the rest of this information @ http://www.mindcontrolforums.com/history-of-human-experimentation.htm .

this is only a partial listing of the extent the u.s. government will go to maintain white supremacy and white power. there are government documents that will make you sick. americans meddling in the affairs of south africa---they wrote down the plan to make sure those efforts were curbed. somewhere i read, the powers that be don't mind as long as we demonstrate that we will "hate it but be very afraid". we need to channel the fearlessness of our ancestors and get bold as lions.

blacks folks must become informed and committed to constantly working together to make this better for ourselves. i strongly believe when black folks, all around the globe, stand up in unity, we will save ourselves. in doing so we will also redeem humanity. we are the alpha and the omega folks. imagine if you learned that in school...

so, i have a question for you.

WHEN FOLKS TALK ABOUT "CONSPIRACY THEORISTS" WHAT DO THEY MEAN? PLEASE, HELP ME WITH THAT?

self love~ self acceptance~ self respect

the truth as i see it...i am not sorry

so...this has been kicking around in my head for a moment.





i feel myself at times become angry...





...with black folks...for our collective inability to see what is plain. we seem insistent on dining on lies. those that we are fed and those that we insist on feeding ourselves. our mad dash to throw out history is so insane---if i were a white supremacist, i would laugh maniacally and proclaim for all to hear that black folks really are docile, child like, dumb people.





so, i have heard black people say that when bi racials say they are black---by God they are! when i ask if they have met platinum blonde japanese folks that insist they are white or other non white folks that swear they are white; by virtue of swearing that they are, then are they?



i have met folks like this, regularly and routinely, that are not white and insist that they are. maybe others have as well? i love people and delight in our differences; i have had occasion to hang out with people from many different walks of life as a result. i don't have to agree with you or even like you. i do find that i am responsible to respect others. at any rate, whenever i pose this question, i get silence or the whole "all americans are mixed with something" business. "so no one is really____or ____." when i am feeling patient i indulge the silliness with this---ok, that's true, so why don't we just call all nations of people african since all humanity began in africa? or, if everyone is so mixed, how do you suppose the "blind" legal justice system knows to lock up so many more "mixed" black folks than "mixed" other folks? how do you explain racism, white supremacy, and genocide on which this nation and others were built? since we are all so mixed, please help me understand racial profiling? how do you think people are able to differentiate? my new favorite is the "racial litmus test" as if a white mother and black father isn't enough of an indication. or a korean mother and a black father.


and while i am at it, black men and women that want to take the racist one drop rule and make it a cloak for their inability to procreate with people that look like them---despite having the whole world in which to find that person; these people like the one drop rule because they can teach their bi racial offspring that by virtue of their black presence then the child is automatically black. i find this often in the off spring of black men that can't find black women to honor with marriage. this lot also likes to play word games and say that because the woman is an asian or hispanic---then she is a woman of color so the child is black. i say play word games all you want to. don't expect me to play along. it is not my job. for those black folks that love to surround themselves with non black folks and live and die by the "working from within" garbage; go inside the system and mandate the bi racial box. you know that box on government forms that make you identify yourself? notice those boxes aren't arranged alphabetically either. despite being the fourth from last letter in the alphabet the W box is first. will the "colorblind" negroes please wake up? we do not have to allow others make us accept internal enemies. watch and believe the behavior.



here is what i have realized recently---i am sick of indulging the silly folks that refuse to wake up, smell the coffee, summon their courage, decency and self respect; and go to work to address and resist white supremacy in all of its many forms.



black folks in america, even the ones that were lynched, raped, dehumanized, and tortured regularly were not at a certain point, all african. because they were so obviously black they met these fates nontheless. there are very white looking people that are not in fact white, and receive the benefits of white skin. so in the interest of getting real, black folks born of two black parents are black. children born of a black parent and another race person are bi racial. black folks would do well to err on the side of caution and not in our normal way, which is to assume folks are alright until we sustain, once again, more great injury as a nation. hello, insanity= doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. what collective does that describe to a tee? only we can or will change that.



those bi racial people that are so non-white in their appearance and have no chance of being accepted by white folks typically self identify as black. those that can "pass" often do and behave anti-socially whenever they cross paths with blacks that may blow their cover. i speak from experience. i have wanted to say, "calm down! your secret is safe with me." black folks have sustained such a thorough brain twisting that most of us see ourselves through genocidal eyes and co-sign white folks' white supremacist wicked lunacy and parrot this lie.



this has been on my mind a lot. i find that i don't really care to continue to indulge those that are so mentally ill that they think by virtue of me pointing out white supremacy/racism that i am racist. uh, no, when i start prohibiting the human rights as well as civil rights of white folks and others, then i am racist. i am also noticing bi racials, black folks with bi racial children, white mates, love and long for all things white or at the very least non-black, that pride themselves on being around all white folks, as well as hold their access to white folks as some type of accomplishment; these are the ones that expect me to indulge that backwards thinking. i have reached the conclusion that i don't have to, and i am no longer interested to play along. this nonsense is not historically, genetically, scientifically, and quite frankly, good sense sound.



so having said that, let me address obama for once and for all.



i can appreciate that he married a black woman. however, i have met black women that have no love for their black selves or any other black person, so on a real note, i can't get too excited. and honestly, if Michelle had figured out a way to show up with natural hair, i could dig it more. the straightened out hair screams conformity. black women are killing ourselves trying to conform. it is an exercise in futility and we sacrifice so much dignity in the process. do our daughters need one more example of black women working diligently to alter their natural selves? where are the natural black women? however, again, i am happy she is black. i have given him props for that. i have also had to beat down the reality that quite a few men like black sex. they may care for that black woman, immediate family members, and friends. the rest of the black masses mean nothing to them. there are men that feel this way only about the wife. so i can't get too excited, knowledge of history won't allow me. none of this is new stuff folks. the names get changed and other little details, the rest is the same.



obama is not black. he is bi racial. he is the offspring of a white woman that as far as i can tell couldn't quite manage to procreate with another white person. she has half black offspring and half asian offspring. just as procreating black away is not indicative of self respect, love, and self acceptance; neither is procreating away your jewishness, white, asian, etc. i am not alone in this belief. it seems only jews and white supremacists will say it without apology. the moors are a great example of how great nations can disappear completely by engaging in the practice. unless you are trying to "transcend" blackness, i can't see how anyone can endorse the practice. it seems rather than give up on black folks it would make more sense to get serious about eliminating white supremacy and racial disparity in this "democracy". especially, since the new white folks walking around today are so different than their ancestors. isn't this the fiction that brain dead black folks and deceitful white folks like to push? it was interesting to note as well in a documentary on obama that the drug period of his life was his "black" side. did this man not see this and know that the fact of drug use, if faces are to be applied based on numbers, would be a white face? medicalize white drug and criminalize black drug use if you want. all along the way, this man has made it real clear that he could care less about black americans. he has made it abundantly clear that he is ok with us suffering injustice, and as long as we do it silently all is well.



obama is having his behind handed to him right now. i am enjoying it. all black folks are not stupid. nor are they as gracious as the much maligned Minister Farrakhan. all black folks are not mealy mouth cowards that shrink, shrivel, and hide when it is time to go to battle. Rev. Wright is linked to obama and clinton. he has been a spiritual advisor to them both. this is a matter of public record. how is it good politics for only obama to condemn his words and distance himself from Wright? why should Wright not put this internal enemy on blast? according to what good logic must Wright compromise his commitment to tell the truth so obama can get in office and show his whole behind? if obama would have some self respect, apply testicular fortitude, and get real, he would have put clinton on blast awhile back. mccain, too, for that matter. mccain's spiritual advisor has been doing the most, on record. since, obama's buckdancing behind thinks this isn't a "white nor black america" and he is the candidate for "change" what about you tell the truth for a change? obama's change is he isn't even going to try to pretend that he will do anything for the black masses. not even to be elected, unlike elections from before. that's the change folks. and once again, black folks can't wait to guzzle the okey doke and wonder why they don't feel well and garner no respect. he has handled the pit bullish hrc with kidskin white gloves. he was quiet as a church mouse when his black wife needed someone to stand and protect her. he has stood back with shrunken testicles as Michelle has come out fighting on his behalf. but then you know, he also got the message that black women are to protect their men, not the other way around. and wouldn't you know---OBAMA GREW BALLS ONLY LONG ENOUGH TO ATTACK REV. WRIGHT! how convenient. negroes grow big balls when it is time to go after other black folks. that submissive, unoffensive high road is only for dealing with white folks.



i don't think Rev. Wright should be quiet. in this integrated day, all black folks should tell and act on the truth. whoever is on the wrong side of truth---ready?---ARE THE ENEMY! black folks need to go back to history and get that quickly.



for the naive black folks that really seem to believe and are very vocal with this nonsense; "well he has to ignore black folks right now, cuz when he gets in office, then he will acknowledge us". WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



show me where this has been done in history and i will show you an assassinated/exiled/imprisoned individual. oftentimes, quite a few innocent citizens perish as well in the bloodthirsty quest to murder the person that got special and committed treason against white supremacy and the american manifest destiny. we just witnessed this with Saddam Hussein http://www.mindcontrolforums.com/history-cia-atrocities.htm. in my lifetime i have seen this happen with Aristide http://www.lrb.co.uk/v26/n08/farm01_.html and Manual Noriega http://www.mindcontrolforums.com/history-cia-atrocities.htm. the links for Hussein and Noriega also lists the history of the cia and their activities. don't sleep on the fact that the cia at one time, was headed by the devil poppa bush whose spawn is out of his right mind on a global scale in office, despite not being elected by the american people. read! think! read! think! read! think! read! reading, thinking, and acting on the truth is not the american way and this is why america is the disaster that it is!!!



so, my last words on obama. he is full of shit like all the other major politicians. he knows full well invading iran, pakistan, and progressing africom is the plan. this plan will be in full effect and it doesn't matter who is sitting in the oval office. black folks that want to see black folks in the white house should support Queen McKinney. i don't agree with everything that comes out of her mouth either. i do appreciate the fact that she will tell the truth. "playing the game" means that black folks must act against the best interests of black folks. you won't see this on the news or tv. it is happening nonetheless, all day, everyday. be responsible, do the work. seek the truth.



i don't care to write anymore about the buckdancer that is insistent on insulting my intelligence. Glen Ford, over at black agenda report breaks it down. i really can't and don't need to add anything else at this point. for those black folks that can't hear me, let me just say this---it seems some have grown accustomed to disappointment and disillusionment. i said all of this in the name of...


...SELF LOVE~SELF ACCEPTANCE~SELF RESPECT

my big mouth...

first and foremost let me say:

J, i am sorry. i love you. let us call a truce. this is merely one to grow on...


i love music so much. no matter what the experience, mood, or happenstance in my life i find---someone, somewhere wrote a song and sang all about it.

i have a confession to make.

i am really very shy. sometimes, i wrestle with saying things that i feel should be said. i have childhood residue of smiling through whatever and being silent. when i am having these moments, i tend to be only in trouble with myself.

at other times, i don't know what comes over me. during these moments it feels like others are entitled to my opinions. it has been hard to miss that during these times i am usually in trouble with others.

truth be told, i prefer to be in trouble with others. at least, i can get away from them! is that bad? if it is, unfortunately it is also true.

time has taught me that there are times when i will find myself in trouble with myself and others. when the relationship is personal or intimate, is when this occurs the most.

here's the thing, not for a moment do i want to be like, "it's not my fault" or figure out a way to make the fallout someone else's responsibility. far be it from me not to own it. my difficulty is that i am finding that i communicate better in writing. i can save it as a draft and come back to it, re-read it, edit it, and make sure that every word has been given great thought. and to be really honest, i can also chicken out and decide to "leave it as i found it" if there will be too much resistance; shaking the dust from my feet if you will.

i said all that to say, i did again. i said too much, with too much emotion, and i can't edit it. when the words fly out, calling them back is as futile as attempting to gather flying, loose feathers in a windstorm.

additionally, i am guilty of having a bad temper. i have come a long way, thank God. i have such a long way to go. so just imagine, if you will, the lack of an edit button and temper combined. did i mention great passion as well? geez! wth! the upside is i apologize a lot less than i used to. i still need to work on minimizing the apologies. oddly enough, this happens most frequently with people that are close to me and that know me well. this fact seems odd to me. can someone help me with that? what is that about?

anyhoo, i was saying that there is always a song. John Mayer hit the nail on the head with this one, my stupid mouth. i would change stupid to big. my mouth isn't necessarily stupid, just...big. i suppose this isn't a newsflash, huh? lol! laughter makes it difficult to be so hard on myself.

check out the song. it is from a guy's pov, however i couldn't have written a better one to coincide with my present feelings. the reference to "momma said, think before speaking", uh, yes! in fact many times...i am determined to get it right soon. sometimes, i really need a sign that says, charge it to my big mouth not to my heart! of course we know the never speaking up again part is not quite true:-)





J, again, i am sorry. i love you. let us call a truce. this is merely one to grow on...


SELF LOVE~SELF ACCEPTANCE~SELF RESPECT