Thursday, May 1, 2008

my big mouth...

first and foremost let me say:

J, i am sorry. i love you. let us call a truce. this is merely one to grow on...

i love music so much. no matter what the experience, mood, or happenstance in my life i find---someone, somewhere wrote a song and sang all about it.

i have a confession to make.

i am really very shy. sometimes, i wrestle with saying things that i feel should be said. i have childhood residue of smiling through whatever and being silent. when i am having these moments, i tend to be only in trouble with myself.

at other times, i don't know what comes over me. during these moments it feels like others are entitled to my opinions. it has been hard to miss that during these times i am usually in trouble with others.

truth be told, i prefer to be in trouble with others. at least, i can get away from them! is that bad? if it is, unfortunately it is also true.

time has taught me that there are times when i will find myself in trouble with myself and others. when the relationship is personal or intimate, is when this occurs the most.

here's the thing, not for a moment do i want to be like, "it's not my fault" or figure out a way to make the fallout someone else's responsibility. far be it from me not to own it. my difficulty is that i am finding that i communicate better in writing. i can save it as a draft and come back to it, re-read it, edit it, and make sure that every word has been given great thought. and to be really honest, i can also chicken out and decide to "leave it as i found it" if there will be too much resistance; shaking the dust from my feet if you will.

i said all that to say, i did again. i said too much, with too much emotion, and i can't edit it. when the words fly out, calling them back is as futile as attempting to gather flying, loose feathers in a windstorm.

additionally, i am guilty of having a bad temper. i have come a long way, thank God. i have such a long way to go. so just imagine, if you will, the lack of an edit button and temper combined. did i mention great passion as well? geez! wth! the upside is i apologize a lot less than i used to. i still need to work on minimizing the apologies. oddly enough, this happens most frequently with people that are close to me and that know me well. this fact seems odd to me. can someone help me with that? what is that about?

anyhoo, i was saying that there is always a song. John Mayer hit the nail on the head with this one, my stupid mouth. i would change stupid to big. my mouth isn't necessarily stupid, just...big. i suppose this isn't a newsflash, huh? lol! laughter makes it difficult to be so hard on myself.

check out the song. it is from a guy's pov, however i couldn't have written a better one to coincide with my present feelings. the reference to "momma said, think before speaking", uh, yes! in fact many times...i am determined to get it right soon. sometimes, i really need a sign that says, charge it to my big mouth not to my heart! of course we know the never speaking up again part is not quite true:-)

J, again, i am sorry. i love you. let us call a truce. this is merely one to grow on...



mrshadow33 said...

Love you too my Sister! Congratulations on the self achievements you have made and continue to make. I have no doubt that you will continue to improve on the already extraordinary being that you are.

Love,Peace and Happiness.

Ensayn1 said...

You know FP, I notice we all are most quick to lash out at the ones we love or those close to us, its not unusual, we are comforatble with them. Not to say its good, just common. I believe you are on the right path, since you recognize what is happening with you. A book that really helped me in "becoming" as I am still "coming to be" is titled Voices of Our Ancestors, this is my "bible" written by our sister Dyhani Ywahoo. You can check the book out by going to the book list on my site. I recommend this book for anyone seeking self mastery. I believe if you can master you, you can master your universe.

Khadija said...


You're not the only one, sis. With people I'm closest to, I've had to institute a 24-hour time delay policy before mentioning anything that might be construed as a negative critique.

It's all part of the learning process. My main goal at this point is to progress to making new mistakes; not the same old ones over & over again.

Peace, blessings & solidarity.

focusedpurpose said...

hi all-

thank you for being so kind and sharing.

Ensayn thanks for sharing the book information.

Khadija, i will also be implementing the 24 hour policy going forward. it is very smart.

blessings all,