Sunday, March 23, 2014

dear B...

this post is long overdue.  been wanting to write it for quite the while now.

it is to my dear, B.

guilt comes with being a woman, i think.

add motherhood to the whole scenario and it gets to be a bit much to navigate some days.   really.

looking back, there is much i would do differently if i knew then what i know now.  going round and round with this notion...gets me stuck.  on too many levels to cover.

so, suffice it to say, i Love you B.

more than these words can ever convey.

looking back, i wish i had stopped and listened to you more.  i wish that when i came to help with whatever situation you were in, that i had not auto taken the position that you were in the wrong.  i wish that i spent less time at work, as you got older and had instead spent that time with you.  i wish that i knew better how to do repetition nicely when being challenged.  politely, i give you that- in the teen years, "ma'am" kindda became a curse word, though.  looking back, non stop repetition does come with the parenting gig. even when the teenaged years are more than a notion to reckon with.  particularly when the son is as bullheaded as the mother when it comes to doing his own thing.  a manchild with "manpowers"  that i would not let him use.  recall telling me that at 13?


there's that guilt, again.   that nagging feeling that  i didn't know and do better.  that i did not really have family to help support my efforts.  that my choices affected us both.  really, all choices affected us both. 

that was then, son.  we made it through it.  

this is now.

Love is most important. 

i don't know much, but this much i know for sure.

so i pray that Almighty puts triple portions of Love in your heart as you walk your path.  + i pray that He will add a dollop of Wisdom to you daily + some forgiveness if you need it.  i have needed it so i pray it for you as well.  particularly in these trying last days. 

it is my prayer that you will Stand Strong in the Light of Understanding.  may you one day understand that flaws and all, we do the best we know how to do in the moment.  i pray someday it becomes clear to you how truly very hard it is to try to raise a man solo.  having spent no day in my life as one.

i tried not to beat you over the head with the Bible.  my momma never did to me.  last time we spoke you confused my momma's saying with me.  i never said to give white folk back their religion.  that was my momma.  lol.  i simply said as it relates to Scriptures that just because there is conterfeit...doesn't mean there was no Real.  it is counterfeit to use the Scriptures to justify slavery and every other wickedness known to mankind.  then i proceeded to give you the Bible and book after book for your mind.  college level early even and asked that you read them for your own Good.  remember?

unfortunately, i wasn't where i am now, when you were younger. + i wanted you to have a voice and choice...something i seemed not to have as a child.   feel guilty about that, too.  what made me think that i could do the opposite of my momma and her momma and her momma's momma?  i mean it was drilled into my head that children are to be seen and not heard.  well i wanted a voice when i was a child.  so it was what i wanted for you. 

we have more in common than not son.  neither of us like for others to tell us what to do.  this is both Good and bad.  as i told you last we spoke.  sometimes our greatest Strength is also our greatest weakness.  it is my prayer that you will learn to balance yours much sooner than i have learned to balance mine.  i also pray in the Mighty Name of Yahushua Messiah, that you will Stand in the Light of Understanding...

this can only be done with Him/His Word, i have learned.

we still have some time before the full frontal lobe is fully grown in;)  it took me until about 25 to start to come to grips with not knowing everything.  though folk tell me to this day that i resonate as one who knows all;)  so...i am not too worried about you. 

with a heart full of Love for you, B.  i now play the song that inspired this post, as i listened to it tonight, while thinking of my momma.  and Yah knows she and i went through it in ways that you and i never could.  

i never tossed you out on the street, like in the song, (though some days as you tested me, i really wanted to;)  no jail and i was never a "crack fiend" ...though i wrestled some pretty mean demons- so there is no feeling of being better nor judgment.   let me get that clarification in there that folk might better Understand.  i Love this song and pray that the day, soon, when you Stand in the Light of Understanding- you will bob your head in agreement.  'cause this much is for sure + fo' sho + always the Truth for me:

there is no one on the planet that will Love you more or have your back harder...

than your momma, B.

and that's what Yah Loves, son.

aka the Truth;)

son, i pray that Almighty will put favor in the hearts of those whose paths cross with yours.  may you walk in the Favor of the Most High as you set out on the next leg of your journey.  it is my prayer that He/His Word will keep and guide you all the days of your life.  that you will walk with Him- because He/His Word is Real.  it is my prayer that you and all sons and daughters will Stand Strong like you know we 'bout to head on into...


No comments: